THE WORLD'S SHORTEST & HAPPIEST FAIRY TALE

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?"
The girl said, NO!"
And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing, hunting, and played golf a lot and drank beer and had loads of money and farted whenever he wanted.

THE END

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THE FOLLOWING IS A PARTIAL LIST OF ACTUAL WRITTEN EXCUSES GIVEN TO TEACHERS IN THE ALBUQUERQUE PUBLIC SCHOOL SYSTEM BY PARENTS OF STUDENTS:

1. Dear School: Please excuse John from being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
2. Please excuse Dianne from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
3. Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his father's fault.
4. Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side.
5. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.
6. Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor.
7. Lillie was absent from school yesterday because she had a going over.
8. My son is under the doctor's care and should not take fizical ed. Please execute him.
9. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hit in the growing part.
10. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent this weekend with the Marines.
11. Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday she fell off a tree and misplaced her hip.
12. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
13. Maryann was absent Dec. 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore
throat, her brother had a low-grade fever. There must be the flu going around, her father even got hot last night.
14. Please excuse Blanche from jim today. She is administrating.
15. George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach.
16. Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout.
17. Please excuse Sara for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
18. Please excuse Lupe. She is having problems with her ovals.
19. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diah(*crossed out*), diahoah(*crossed out*), dyah(*crossed out*) the shits.

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The new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.
She started her class by saying,
"Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Jimmy stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Jimmy?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

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Little Jimmy attended a horse auction with his father.
He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Jimmy asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.
Jimmy, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

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A convict escapes from his prison where he had been for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it. He finds a young married couple in bed. He gets the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair and ties the woman to the bed while he gets on top of her, he kisses her on the neck, then quickly goes to the bathroom. While he is there, the husband tells his wife:
" Listen, this guy is a prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent a lot of time in prison and has not seen a woman for years. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he will kill us both....be strong,... and honey: I Love you!"
His Wife responds:" I am sure glad you think that way... he said he has not seen a woman in years, but he was not kissing my neck... he was whispering in my ear.....he told me that he found you very sexy, and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom... be strong honey... I Love you too..."

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Three Sick Men

Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. There was an alcoholic, a chain smoker and a homosexual.
The doctor, addressing all three of them, said 'if you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die!'
The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice.
While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the surburbs, they passed a bar.
The alcoholic - hearing the loud music and seeing the lights - could not stop himself. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.
His companions, somewhat shaken up, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground still burning.
The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said 'If you bend over to pick that up - we're both dead!'

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"We Can't Blame White People"
Wed, 7 Sep 2005
by BILL COSBY

"They're standing on the corner and they can't speak English. I can't even talk the way these people talk:
Why you ain't,
Where you is,
What he drive,
Where he stay,
Where he work,
Who you be...
And I blamed the kid until I heard the mother talk. And then I heard the father talk.
Everybody knows it's important to speak English except these knuckleheads. You can't be a doctor with that kind of crap coming out of your mouth.
In fact you will never get any kind of job making a decent living. People marched and were hit in the face with rocks to get an education, and now we've got these knuckleheads walking around.
The lower economic people are not holding up their end in this deal.
These people are not parenting. They are buying things for kids. $500 sneakers for what? And they won't spend $200 for Hooked on Phonics. I am talking about these people who cry when their son is standing there in an orange suit.
Where were you when he was 2? Where were you when he was 12? Where were you when he was 18 and how come you didn't know that he had a pistol? And where is the father? Or who is his father?
People putting their clothes on backward: Isn't that a sign of something gone wrong?
People with their hats on backward, pants down around the crack, isn't that a sign of something? Or are you waiting for Jesus to pull his pants up? Isn't it a sign of something when she has her dress all the way up and got all type of needles [piercing] going through her body?
What part of Africa did this come from? We are not Africans. Those people are not Africans; they don't know a thing about Africa. With names like Shaniqua, Taliqua and Mohammed and all of that crap, and all of them are in jail.
Brown or black versus the Board of Education is no longer the white person's problem.
We have got to take the neighborhood back.
People used to be ashamed. Today a woman has eight children with eight different 'husbands' -- or men or whatever you call them now. We have millionaire football players who cannot read.
We have million-dollar basketball players who can't write two paragraphs. We as black folks have to do a better job. Someone working at Wal-Mart with seve! n kids, you are hurting us.
We have to start holding each other to a higher standard. We cannot blame the white people any longer."

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A BLONDE'S GLOSSARY

Artery The study of paintings
Bacteria The back door of a cafeteria
Barium What you do to a patient when treatment is bad
Bowel A, E, I, O, U A nd sometimes Y
C-Section A part of the city of Rome
Cat Scan Searching for kitty
Cauterize Made eye contact with her
Coma A punctuation mark
Congenital Very friendly
D & C Where the white house is
Dilate To live long
Enema Not a friend
Fester Quicker
Genital Non- Jewish
G. I. Series The end of the armed services ball season
Hangnail A coat hook
High Colonic Jewish Holiday
Important V.I.P.
Labor Pain An on the job injury
Medical Staff A doctor's walking stick
Morbid The highest offer
Nitrate No daylight discount
Node Previously learned
Pap Smear A test for fatherhood
Pelvis Elvis' cousin
Postoperative A letter carrier
Recovery Room An upholstery shop
Rectum A two car collision
Secretion Trying to hide something
Seizure A former Roman Emperor
Tablet A small table
Terminal Illness Throwing up at the air port
Tibia A country in North Africa
Tumor More than one
Urine When you're not outside
Varicose You're getting warm

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Advertisement

NORDIC TRACK: $300. Hardly used. Call Chubby.

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Andy Rooney's tips for telemarketers

Three Little Words That Work!!

(1) The three little words are: "Hold On, Please..."
Saying this, while putting down your phone and walking off (instead of hanging-up immediately) would make each telemarketing call so much more time-consuming that boiler room sales would grind to a
halt.
Then when you eventually hear the phone company's "beep-beep-beep" tone, you know it's time to go back and hang up your handset, which has efficiently completed its task.
These three little words will help eliminate telephone soliciting.

(2) Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the other end?
This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone calls and records the time of day when a person answers the phone.
This technique is used to determine the best time of day for a "real" sales person to call back and get someone at home.

What you can do after answering, if you notice there is no one there, is to immediately start hitting your # button on the phone, 6 or 7 times, as quickly as possible. This confuses the machine that dialed
the call and it kicks your number out of their system. Gosh, what a shame not to have your name in their system any longer !!!

(3) Junk Mail Help:
When you get "ads" enclosed with your phone or utility bill, return these "ads" with your payment. Let the sending companies throw their own junk mail away.
When you get those "pre-approved" letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and similar type junk, do not throw away the return envelope.
Most of these come with postage-paid return envelopes, right?  It costs them more than the regular 37 cents postage "IF" and when they receive them back.

It costs them nothing if you throw them away! The postage was around 50 cents before the last increase and it is according to the weight. In that case, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail
and put it in these cool little, postage-paid return envelopes.
Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express. Send a pizza coupon to Citibank. If you didn't get anything else that day, then just send them their blank application back!

If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn't on anything you send them.

You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to just to keep them guessing! It still costs them 39 cents.

The banks and credit card companies are currently getting a lot of their own junk back in the mail, but folks, we need to OVERWHELM them. Let's let them know what it's like to get lots
of junk mail, and best of all they're paying for it... Twice!

Let's help keep our postal service busy since they are saying that e-mail is cutting into their business profits, and that's why they need to increase postage costs again. You get the idea!

If enough people follow these tips, it will work---- I have been doing this for years, and I get very little junk mail anymore.

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Antoine bought a new gun. He was very excited, and couldn't wait to show it to his friend, Pierre. "Pierre! I have a wonderful new gun!
When you look through the sites, things look very close! Come with me to shoot it!"
So Pierre and Antoine walked to a hill outside of town to shoot the gun. Piere sited the gun and said "Antoine! I can see your house!
I can see your wife through the picture window. She is naked. John Luke is there with her.
"Pierre," asked Antoine, "can you shoot well?"
"Yes."
"Good. I only have two bullets. With the first one, I want you to shoot my wife in the head. With the second, I want you to shoot John Luke through the penis."
"Antoine, I have good news. I only need one bullet."

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Pedro and Maria got married. Pedro was a "man about town" so to speak, but Maria was very naive and uninformed about the birds and the bees.
Pedro was a poor working man and could not afford to take time off for a honeymoon. So, that night they retired to his little shack.
When Pedro was undressing Maria said, "Oh Pedro, what is that?"
Pedro being very quick thinking said, "Maria, I am the only man in the world with one of these." And, then, he proceeded to show her what it was for, and Maria was happy.
The next morning Pedro went off to work as usual. When he returned home that evening, Maria was on the front porch obviously upset about something.
- "Pedro, you told me that you were the only man in the world with one of those, and I saw Gonzalez the gardener changing his clothes behind the shed, and he had one, too."
Thinking fast, Pedro said, "Oh, Maria, Gonzalez is my very best friend. I had two of them so I gave him one. He is the only other man in the world with one of those."
Maria being very naive accepted his answer and they did their thing again that night.
Pedro went off to work, again, the next morning; and, when he returned home, Maria was very upset, stamping her foot on the porch.
Pedro said, "Maria, what is the matter now?"
- "You gave Gonzales the best one".

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A small Texas Wild Animal Park acquired a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks, the gorilla, who was a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem: the gorilla was in heat.
To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available. Reflecting on their problem, the park administrator thought immediately of Eddie Standen, a large redneck part-time intern, who was responsible for cleaning the animal's cages.
Eddie, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The park administrator thought they might have a solution.
Eddie was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?
Eddie showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.
The following day, Eddie announced that he would accept their offer, but only under the following four conditions:
1. "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her on the lips." The park administrator quickly agreed to this condition.
2. "Second," Eddie said, "you must never tell anyone about this." The park administrator again readily agreed to this condition.
3. "Third," Eddie said, "I want all the offspring to be raised Southern Baptist." Once again the administrator agreed.
4. And last of all Eddie stated: "You've got to give me another week to come up with the $500.00"

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The Shit List

Ghost Shit: The kind where you feel the shit come out but there is no shit in the toilet.
Clean Shit: The kind where you shit it out, see it in the toilet, but there is no shit on the toilet paper.
Wet Shit: The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt cheeks so that you don't ruin your underwear with skid marks.
Second Wave Shit: This happens when you are done shitting and you've pulled your pants up to your knees and you realize that you have to shit again.
Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead Shit: The kind where you strain so hard to get it out, you practically have a stroke.
Lincoln Log Shit: The kind of shit that is so huge you're afraid to flush it without breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush first.
Gassy Shit: Shit that is so noisy that everyone within earshot is giggling and fanning when you walk by.
Drinker Shit: The kind of shit you have the morning after a long night of drinking. Its most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.
Corn Shit: (Self Explanatory)
Gee-I-Wish-I-Could-Shit, Shit: The kind where you want to shit but all you can do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.
Spinal Tap Shit: That's where it hurts so bad coming out that you'd swear that it was coming out sideways.
Wet Cheeks Shit; (The Power Dump): The kind that comes out of your butt so fast that your butt gets splashed with water.
Liquid Shit: The kind where yellow-brown liquid shoots out of your butt and splashes all over the toilet.
Mexican Shit: Shit that smells so bad that your nose burns.
Upper Class Shit: The kind of shit that doesn't smell and flushes itself.
The Buckshot Surprise Shit: You're not even at the toilet because you're sure you are about to fart, but OOPS! --- You SHIT!
The Dangling Shit: This shit refuses to drop into the toilet even though you know you are done shitting it out. You just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose.

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Hillary Clinton is inspecting a hospital as part of her Health Care Plan. She walks into one room and sees a man masturbating furiously.
Shocked she backs out and says, "What's going on in there?" "Oh," her guide says. "That man has a semen retention problem."
Hillary continues her tour, and eventually walks into another room where she sees a man sitting on the edge of a bed with a beautiful, buxom, voluptuous nurse kneeling in front of him and performing fellatio on his person.
"What's this man's problem?" she asks.
"Same problem," the guide says. "But this man has health insurance."

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A cowboy went into a bar and saw a beautiful woman. He immediately started buying her drinks. After a few drinks, he finally got up enough nerve to ask her for a date.
"No, thanks." She replied. "I'm a lesbian."
"Huh?" said the cowboy "Whats a lesbian?"
"It means I like to suck tit and eat pussy."
The cowboy left and sat at a table in a corner, scratching his head and looking extremely confused. Pretty soon, a woman sat down beside him. Nervous, and at a loss for words, she said "I'm an aquarius. What are you?"
"Wuhl, I thought I wus a cowboy, but I guess I'm a lesbian!"

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A rabbi, Catholic priest, and a lawyer are aboard a ship carrying them and 50 schoolchildren across the English Channel.
The ship starts to sink and they have to pile into a lifeboat. However, the Rabbi quickly notices that the life boat has a capacity of 50 people.
"We obviously have to save the children," the rabbi says, "I pray that the Almighty will save my life." And then he jumps into the water.
The lawyer takes one look at the priest and then grabs one of the kids rushing into the boat.
"Fuck the kids," says the lawyer.
Says the priest, "Do you think we have time?"

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LESSON IN POLITICAL SCIENCE

SOCIALISM - You have two cows. The government takes one to give to someone else.
COMMUNISM - You have two cows. The government takes both and gives you the milk.
FASCISM - You have two cows. The government takes both and sells you the milk.
NAZISM - You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRACY - You have two cows. The government takes both, shoots one and pours the milk down the drain.
CAPITALISM - You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

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An old woman was sitting in a park in Moscow reading a "Teach Yourself Hebrew" book. A policeman notices her and decides to start to give her a hard time.
"What are you reading that for?" he shouts at her.
She replies, "I am old, and I will die soon. I want to be prepared; so I am studying the language of heaven."
The cop says, "Well, how do know that it's heaven that you are going to?"
The old women answers, "Well, honestly I don't, but that's okay. I already speak Russian."

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Comparative Analysis of World Religious Philosophies

Taoism * shit happens
Confucianism * Confucius say, "shit happens"
Buddhism * shit happening is an illusion
Islam * shit happening is the will of Allah
Zen * what is the sound of shit happening?
Hinduism * this shit has happened before
Catholicism * if shit happens you deserve it
Judaism * why does shit always happen to us?
Calvinism * shit happens because you don't work hard enough
Christian Science * if shit happens, pray and it will go away
Protestantism * let shit happen to someone else
Atheism * shit happens for no reason
Agnosticism * maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't
Hare Krisna * shit happens, shit happens, shit happens
Stoicism * shit happens; I can take it
Jehovah's Witnesses * let us in and we'll tell you why shit happens
Rastafarianism * let's smoke this shit and see what happens

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Predestination: Shit happens because it was meant to.
Amish: Shit happens, but we won't flush it.
Karma: Shit will happen to you if you're not nice.
Druidism: Shit happens on the solstice.
Wicca: Shit happens in a circle.
Cartesianism: I think shit happens, therefore it does.
Nihilism: Shit doesn't really happen.

And, venturing into the realms of commerce and public affairs...

Politics: Shit happens, but it wasn't my fault.
Toxic Waste Dumps: Shit happens and we're gonna bury in your back yard.
Republicans: Shit only happens to poor people.
Democrats: If shit happens, throw money at it.
Communism: If shit happens, it's the fault of the bourgeousie.
Capitalism: If shit happens, sell it.
Anarchy: Who cares if shit happens?
Ross Perot: Shit always happens to me!

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A STUDENTS' HISTORY OF THE WORLD as collected by Richard Lederer

(One of the fringe benefits of being an English or history professor is receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay or report. Here is the history of the world, pasted together from genuine student bloopers, collected by teachers throughout the US.)

Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies, and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible,"Guinessis," Adam and Eve were created from an apple. A snake was present at the time.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. They invented three kinds of columns--corinthian, ironic and dorc. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
Then came the Middle Ages when King Alfred conquered the Dames.
King Arthur lived then with brave knights on prancing horses and beautiful women and Joan of Arc was cannonized by Bernard Shaw and victims of the blue-bonnet plague grew boobs on their necks. Finally, Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
In midevil times peorle were anliterate. The greatest writer was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and literature. During this time, people put on morality plays about ghosts, goblins, virgins and other mythical creatures. The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance.
It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of the blood.
And Sir Francis Drake circumcised thg world with a 100-foot clipper.
Shakespeare was the greatest writer. In one of his plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy.
Then came the Enlightenment. Voltaire invenved electricity and also wrote a book called Candy. Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn, when the apples are falling off trees.
Johann Bach wrote a great many mwsical compositions and had a large number of children. In between, he practiced on an old spinster which Bach kept in the attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present.
Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel.
Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English.
Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
The nineteenth centure was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and began reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers.
Then came the First World War, which ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

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CITY OF LOS ANGELES HIGH SCHOOL MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM

NAME:___________________ GANG:_________________

1. Johnnny has an AK47 with an 80 round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 18 times at each drive by shooting, how many drive by shootings can he attempt before he has to reload?

2. Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8 ball to Jackson for $320 and 2 gramms to Billy for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it?

3. Rufus is pimping for three girls. If the price id $65 for each trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800 per day crack habit?

4. Jarome wants to cut his 1/2 pound of heroin to make a 20% more profit. How many ounces of cut will he need?

5. Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy, and $100 for a 4x4. If he has stolen 2 BMW's and 3 4x4's, how many Chevy's will he need to steal to make $800?

6. Raoul is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10000 for the hit. If his common law wife is spending $100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out of prison and how many years will he get for killing the bitch that spent his money?

7. If the average spray can covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can a tagger spray with 3 cans of paint?

8. Hector knocked up six girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the gang. What percentage of girls in the gang has hector knocked up?

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An elderly lady was having trouble with intestinal gas, so she decided to see her doctor.
"Doctor", she said "this gas is drivin' me crazy. It doesn't smell, and it doesn't make any noise, but it's annoying just the same".
The doctor nods in understanding, then takes out his prescription pad, writes a prescription and hands it to the lady.
"But doctor" she protests, "aren't you even going to examine me?"
"That won't be necessary" he replies "just take this medication".
So the lady gets the prescription filled, and takes it for a few days, but notices that the gas attacks are as bad as ever, EXCEPT NOW they really SMELL BAD!
So she goes back to the doctor and explains the new problem. "Doctor", she says, "that medicine you gave me didn't help my gas at all. It's still so quiet you can't hear it, but it really STINKS now!"
The doctor nods, and reaches for his prescription pad again. Once again the lady protests "But doctor, don't you want to examine me?"
Once again, he reassures her that it's not necessary to examine her, and hands her a new prescription to be filled.
"Okay", she said reluctantly, taking the prescription from the doctor. "By the way, what are these medicines you're prescribing?"
"Well", he said, "the first one was for your SINUSES, and this one's for your HEARING!"

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YO' MAMA Snaps

Yo mamma is so fat, her bellybutton has an echo!
Yo mamma is so fat, I saw her at the Macy's parade being guided with ropes.
Yo mama is so fat that when she was born, she had to be baptized at Sea World...
Yo mama is so fat that when she sat on a quarter, she squeezed a booger out of Washington's nose...
Yo mama is so fat that when she jumped in the air she got stuck...
Yo mama is so strong that she can gargle peanut butter...
Yo mama is so stupid, she jumped out the window and went up...
Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, that when she smiles traffic slows down...
Yo mama is so fat, when she went bungee jumping she went straight to hell...
Yo mama is so nasty, when I called her for phone sex she gave me an ear infection...
Yo mama is so cross-eyed, when she saw me, she said hi yall doing...
Yo mama is so fat, she sat on my dollar to give me change...
Yo mama is so fat, dancing with her is just like moving a piano

SO FAT...
Yo momma so fat when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up
Yo momma so fat her nickname is "DAMN"
Yo momma so fat we're in her right now
Yo momma so fat people jog around her for exercise
Yo momma so fat she went to the movies and sat next to everyone
Yo mamma so fat you have to roll over twice to get off her...
Yo momma so fat when you get on top of her your ears pop!
Yo momma so fat when she has sex, she has to give directions!
Yo momma so fat she goes to a resturant, looks at the menu and says "okay!"
Yo momma so fat she had to go to Sea World to get baptized
Yo momma so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway
Yo momma so fat she got to pull down her pants to get into her pockets
Yo momma so fat when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE!
Yo momma so fat when she steps on a scale, it read "one at a time, please"
Yo momma so fat she fell in love and broke it.
Yo momma so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued.
Yo momma so fat when she gets on the scale it says we don't do livestock.
Yo momma so fat she's got her own area code!
Yo momma so fat she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagon!
Yo momma so fat God couldn't light Earth till she moved!
Yo momma so fat whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in!
Yo momma so fat she wakes up in sections!
Yo momma so fat when she goes to an amusement park, people try to ride HER!
Yo momma so fat when she lies on the beach no one else gets sun!
Yo momma so fat when she jumps up in the air she gets stuck!!!
Yo momma so fat she has a wooden leg with a kickstand!
Yo momma so fat they have to grease the bath tub to get her out!
Yo momma so fat when she backs up she beeps.
Yo momma so fat when she fell over she rocked herself asleep trying to get up.
Yo momma so fat the animals at the zoo feed her.
Yo momma so fat when she dances at a concert the whole band skips.
Yo momma so fat you have to grease the door frame and hold a twinkie on the other side just to get her through
Yo momma so fat when the bitch goes to an all you can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps.
Yo momma so fat she cant tie her own shoes.
Yo momma so fat sets off car alarms when she runs.
Yo momma so fat that when she sits on the beach, Greenpeace shows up and tries to tow her back into the ocean...

SO STUPID...
Yo momma so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes
Yo momma so stupid she tripped over a cordless phone!
Yo momma so stupid she got stabbed in a shoot out.
Yo momma so stupid she sits on the TV, and watches the couch!
Yo momma so stupid when she went to take the 6 train, she took the 3 twice.
Yo momma so stupid she watches "The Three Stooges" and takes notes.

SO UGLY...
Yo momma so ugly she looks out the window and got arrested for mooning.
Yo momma so ugly they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.
Yo momma so ugly when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillance cameras
Yo momma so ugly her mom had to be drunk to breast feed her
Yo momma so ugly her mom had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.
Yo momma so ugly she tried to take a bath the water jumped out!
Yo momma so ugly she looks out the window and gets arrested!
Yo momma so ugly people go as her for Halloween.
Yo momma so ugly that when she sits in the sand on the beach, cats try to bury her.
Yo momma so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.

SO OLD...
Yo momma so old her social security number is 1!
Yo momma so old that when she was in school there was no history class.
Yo momma so old her birth certificate says expired on it.
Yo momma so old shes blind from the big bang

SO POOR...
Yo momma so poor your family ate cereal with a fork to save milk.
Yo momma so poor her face is on the front of a foodstamp.
Yo momma so poor burglars break in her house and leave money

SO SHORT...
Yo momma so short you can see her feet on her drivers license!
Yo momma so short she does backflips under the bed.

IS LIKE...
Yo momma like potato chips-- Fri-to Lay
Yo momma like a library - open to the public
Yo momma like a screen door, after a couple bangs she tends to loosen up!
Yo momma like the pillbury doughboy - everyone gets a poke!
Yo momma like a doorknob - everyone gets a turn!
Yo momma like Domino's pizza-- Something for nothing

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GEORGE W. BUSH QUOTES

"The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country."

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."

"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."

"The future will be better tomorrow."

"We're going to have the best educated American people in the world."

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."

"Public speaking is very easy."

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DAN QUAYLE QUOTES

"In George Bush you get experience, and with me you get - The Future!"

"The destruction, it is just very heart-rendering". -- Vice President Dan Quayle attempting to say the

"SF earthquake wreckage was heart-rending"

"I'm glad you asked me that. This gives me the perfect opportunity to talk about the problems with this Congress... questions about his use of Air force 2 to
go on golf trips at the cost of $26,000/hour"

"I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix"

"My friends, no matter how rough the road may be, we can and we will, never, never surrender to what is right"

"Are they taking DDT?"  -- Vice President Dan Quayle asking doctors at a Manhattan AIDS clinic about their treatments of choice.

"Need any help?"  -- Vice President Dan Quayle in October 91 addressing GM autoworkers in Southgate two weeks before GM announced 74,000 layoffs

"The cause of the riots were the rioters"  -- Vice President Dan Quayle giving an intelligent analysis of the LA riots.

"Speaking as a man, it's not a woman's issue. Us men are tired of losing our women" -- Vice President Dan Quayle talking about breast cancer

"I want to show you an optimistic sign that things are beginning to turn around."  -- Vice President Dan Quayle trying to convince reporters that the economy was doing better because a Burger King had a "now hiring" sign in the window

"You have a part-time job and that's better to no job at all"  -- Vice President Dan Quayle after the manager of the Burger King had said that the jobs offered were part-time minimum wage jobs, which didn't pay enough to live on, and that "It's hard to find people who want to actually show up for the job."

"I deserve respect for the things I did not do."

"The real question for 1988 is whether we're going to go forward to tomorrow or past to the -- to the back!"

"This election is about who's going to be the next President of the United States!"

"Don't forget about the importance of the family. It begins with the family. We're not going to redefine the family. Everybody knows the definition of the family. [Meaningful pause] A child. [Meaningful pause] A mother. [Meaningful pause] A father. There are other arrangements of the family, but that is a family and family values. I suppose three important things certainly come to my mind that we want to say thank you. The first would be our family. Your family, my family --
which is composed of an immediate family of a wife and three children, a larger family with grandparents and aunts and uncles. We all have our family, whichever that may be ... The very beginnings of civilization, the very beginnings of this country, goes back to the family. And time and time again, I'm often reminded, especially in this Presidential campaign, of the importance of a family, and what a family means to this country. And so when you pay thanks I suppose the first thing that would come to mind would be to thank the Lord for the family."

"No, I had no problem communicating with Latin American heads of state - though now I do wish I had paid more attention to Latin when I was in high school."

Dan Quayle, in April 1991, was concerned that his advisors may be getting out of touch with "Real Americans." In order to combat this, he suggested that they
read People magazine.

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."

"I'm going to be a vice president very much like George Bush was. He proved to be a very effective vice president, perhaps the most effective we've had in a couple of hundred years."

The loss of life will be irreplaceable. -- Vice President Dan Quayle after the San Francisco earthquake

"I have made good judgements in the Past. I have made good judgements in the Future."

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe."

"I would not have married Dan Quayle had I not thought he was an equal to me."

"I could take this home, Marilyn. This is something teenage boys might find of interest." --Vice President Dan Quayle, when purchasing a South African Indian Doll that, when lifted, displays an erection.

"Public Speaking is very easy."

"I've never professed to be anything but an average student."

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Are You Man Enough?
by Denis Leary

Here's a cold hard fact that you must now chew and swallow: if you are reading this, you are not macho. Period. Case closed.
Real men do not read anything other than GUNS AND AMMO, SPORTS ILLUSTRATED, or SHAVED BEAVER.

Do not mention FIRE IN THE BELLY. Do not clutch your copy of IRON JOHN. Sit your soft little ass down and listen up.
Understanding macho means that you don't possess it. I have proven myself to be the pussy that I am by writing this piece. (I'm wearing a powder blue cotton print shirt and peach panties as I type.) Ernest Hemingway, you say? Wrong. Ernest lived a very macho life and wrote some very macho stories. But Ernest threw it all away by blowing his head off with a shotgun. Very unmacho.
Real men do not commit suicide. Real men know just how much life sucks. Real men grit their teeth and take it bill after bill, war after war, tumor after tumor. You don't greet Death, you punch him in the throat repeatedly as he drags you away. I think John Wayne said it best when he said, "Fuck Death and the lung cancer he rode in on."

Macho is a very slippery thing. You don't read about it, you don't write about it, you don't even know the correct spelling of the word. In a vain attempt to keep some semblance of masculinity, I didn't research the roots of the word while writing this article, but I can only assume that "macho" comes from "machismo," which
sounds a hell of a lot like machine. Being macho implies a tough, hard, blocklike approach full of pistons and rods and axles and other big steel-type stuff.

It's hard to live by the old macho code these days. They've chipped away at it over the years, slowly but surely. Drinking has been reduced to a few beers or a couple of whiskeys, if that. Otherwise, your AA friends begin to stare across the table with that "I personally think you have a problem and that all alcohol should be banned so that I won't feel the urge to drink myself into a naked stupor but I'm not gonna say anything" look on their faces.

No mess, no mauling, no mistress, no mas.

From time to time, people try to use macho as an image builder. Bush tries to make himself seem like a card-carrying Mace Club member. He's not. The last macho pres. we had was FDR. FDR-a man stricken by polio, stuck in a wheelchair, fighting the Nazis all the while smoking 3 & 1/2 packs a day. "The only thing we have
to fear is fear itself!" Yeah, and staircases, of course. And soccer and dancing.

I think the death of macho is easily located on a very recent map. Sometime in the late '70s-right around the time the Village People released "Macho Man" and Barry Manilow sang "Copacabana" and Robby Benson was mewling his way into the hearts of teenage ultra-virgins, men made a serious mistake. We started TALKING to each other. We stopped punching each other and began discussing why we wanted to punch each other. I'll bet my right nut that if I had done some research, I would have found a dramatic decline in facial cuts and brain contusions starting in 1977. Now we're supposed to be sensitive. We are supposed to share our feelings and cry at funerals and care about our hair. We're, in short, supposed to be women. Hello, my name is Shirley. Touch me in the morning.

I believe in equal rights. I believe that women should get equal pay for equal jobs. I believe women should have control of their bodies and be in positions of power. I believe we should have the same size shoulder pads in our suits. But I also believe that men should be men and women should be, well, women. Women should be soft and smart and mysterious. And men should have their own tools. I pine for the sheer stupidity of the old macho days, when men would brandish hammers and build huge, bulky cars that sucked up gas and tore open the ozone layer and crushed small animals beneath totally useless but totally cool-looking tail fins.
When men were apes with good shoes and a dental plan. John Wayne, John Huston, Bill Holden, Bob Mitchum, Clark Gable, Babe Ruth, Lee Marvin, Sam Peckinpah. Men who drank and fought and puked and ate raw meat right off the bone and drank some more and fought some more and puked again and kept on drinking. Men who died of massive heart attacks or sudden brain seizures or who just plain fucking blew up. Men who had cancer six or seven times. Men made out of leather.

My dad was one of these men. My dad once cut off his thumb with a power saw, duct-taped it back on, and drove himself to the hospital smoking a Camel un-filtered on the way. My dad's theory was simple: no pain-no fucking pain. My dad smoked 5 packs a day, worked 3 jobs 7 days a week, ate beef for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. One night in 1985, he ate a big steak dinner with a side order of bacon and extra steak fries. He ordered some coffee, sat back, lit up a cigarette, and exploded.

I don't wanna hear about Arnold Schwarzenegger. Even Arnold caved in. In Terminator 2, he was all of a sudden Mr. Caring Guy, protecting the kid and hoping the earth wouldn't end. Bullshit.
There was even a sequence at the end of the movie where a huge truck full of flammable liquid tears down a highway for about 3 minutes and then doesn't blow up. A sign of the times if ever there was one. Every real man knows the 1 golden rule of macho movie making: if you see a truck on screen, blow it up. In Thelma & Louise, the women saw a truck. What did they do? Susan Sarandon pulled out her gun and blew the truck way the fuck up. Another sign of the times. Arnold's tromping around praying for the earth to save itself and Ms. Davis and Ms. Sarandon are drinking and shooting and screwing their way all over the macho west. Citizen Kane? A masterpiece. But every real man knows it would have been better if a huge Mack truck with the word ROSEBUD emblazoned on the trailer drove through the front gate of the mansion and then KAA-POWWWWW!

Another movie matter I'd like to get off my girly little chest: asses. Part of this new male code has men baring their butts on screen the way women used to do. Mel Gibson, Kevin Costner, Michael Douglas, and of course, Arnold. Hey if I wanted to see Kevin Costner's ass, I would've married him. You never saw Bob Mitchum's ass. I am in a macho movie called GUNMEN, and I can guarantee you that you never see my ass on any screen but if you do, it will not be shaved. It will be hairy and hoary and very, very white.

Our macho movie idols have changed forever. No wonder they end up baring it all. Listen to the names -- Mel, Kevin, Michael, Arnold. In the old days movie stars had real names: John, Bill, Duke, Buck, Chuck, Rip. Kevin sounds like your skinny Irish cousin with the big Coke bottle glasses and a heat rash; Mel, the guy in charge of aisle five at Woolworth's. ("Excuse me Mel, where are the light bulbs?")

It's getting very bad, boys. We don't blow up trucks anymore.
Hell, we don't even drive trucks anymore. We drive simple little Japanese cars with air bags. In the old days we used to rip out the seat belts and fly through the windshield ready for action. "Thrown from the car." Remember that phrase in accident reports? Always the sign of a very machodriver.

We seem a little more sorry, a little more plump, a lot more ladylike around the edges. If you really want to reclaim your macho self, if you really want to be a macho, macho man, stop reading this article.

If you are still reading, you probably need a little more help. Forget Robert Bly or "FIRE IN YOUR PROSTATE." Don't go on a Male-Bonding Self-Discovery Weekend, which is just another term for Circle Jerk as far as I'm concerned.

Here, instead, is a guide:

BALLS, A.K.A. COJONES: You should have several. Preferably brass or steel. Extra large.
CRYING: Never. Ever. Over anything. Not death in the family, not a bullet in the chest. You may tear up ever so slightly in one eye only when watching a favorite sports legend retire. You may tear up in both eyes only when kicked, accidentally or on purpose, in the COJONES.
KISSING: see "SPORTS"
HUGGING: see "SPORTS"
SPORTS: Once all men within reach are dressed in a team uniform, it is perfectly acceptable to kiss and hug and grab each other's ass. This is probably because all men are latent homosexuals and prefer male company to female company. But if some guy points out this fact to you, punch him directly in the throat.
(Optional retorts: "Prefer this!" or "Fuck You!" or "Shut the fuck up!")
HEALTH: Never go to the hospital or visit a doctor. If you have a stroke, keep drinking and act like you prefer to use only one side of your body. If you cut off a limb while using a power tool -- so what? That's why there's duct tape and staple guns. If someone tries to drive you to the hospital after a heart attack or maiming, punch him in the throat. (Optional retorts: "Drive This!" or "Fuck you!" or "Shut the fuck up!")
DIET: Meat, cigarettes, meat, booze, meat, and coffee. In case of aneurysm or alcohol-induced coma, see "HEALTH."
FIGHTING: At all times, over anything. Never hit a woman. Or a child. Or a bus. Never hit a priest until he takes off his collar. (If it's the pope, wait until he removes the large hat.) Clergy will often provoke a punch in the throat with their "violence doesn't prove anything" pontifications. (Optional retorts: "Prove this!" or "Fuck you Father!" or "Shut the fuck up, Padre!")
DRINKING: No falling down. No puking -- unless to empty the stomach in order to continue drinking. No slurring of words. Tell a few war stories: "See that scar? I was in 'Nam and I ate a grenade and it blew up in my colon." If your aim is off due to alcohol, it's acceptable to punch someone in the head or solar plexus.
SEX: You're probably too drunk or just plain stupid to have sex but pretend you get a lot, i.e. "You should've seen me last night, blah, blah, blah, blah."

Absorb this info and you should be on your way. If you have any further questions, call 1-800-COJONES. Remember: We're men.
Big, boxy, sweaty, ignorant men. We have penises. Well, we used to have penises. Either way, I think Billy Martin, the late Yankees manager, said it best when he said, "Hey, I can drive."

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DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS

40-ish  49
Adventurous Slept with everyone
Athletic No breasts
Average looking Mooooooo
Beautiful Pathological liar
Emotionally Secure On medication
Feminist Fat
Free spirit Junkie
Friendship first Former sl*t
New-Age Body hair in the wrong places
Old-fashioned No BJs
Open-minded Desperate
Outgoing Loud and Embarrassing
Professional B*tch
Voluptuous Very Fat
Large frame Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate Stalker

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PC PRIMER

Q: WHAT IS P.C.?
PC stands for Politically Correct. We of the Politically Correct philosophy believe in increasing tolerance for a DIVERSITY of cultures, races, genders, ideologies, and alternate lifestyles.  Political Correctness is the only social and morally acceptable outlook. Anyone who disagrees with this philosophy is bigoted, biased, sexist,
and/or closed-minded.

Q: WHY SHOULD I BE PC?
Being PC is fun. PC-ism is not just an attitude, it is a way of life! PC offers the satisfaction of knowing that you are undoing the social evils of centuries of oppression.

Q: I AM A WHITE MALE. CAN I STILL BE PC?
Sure. You just have to feel very guilty.

Q: WHY?
If you are a white male, your ancestors were responsible for practically every injustice in the world- slavery, war, genocide and plaid sportscoats.
That means that YOU are partially responsible for these atrocities. Now it is time to balance the scales of justice for the descendants of those individuals whose ancestors your ancestors pushed down.

Q: HOW?
It's simple. You've got to be careful what you say, what you think, and what you do. You just don't want to offend anyone.

Q: YOU MEAN I SHOULD GUARD AGAINST OFFENDING ANYONE?
That's right. Being offensive is destructive, and will not make the world a harmonious utopia, like in John Lennon's IMAGINE.

Q: HOW ELSE CAN I BE PC?
Oh, there are lots of ways. For example, why buy regular ice cream when you can buy "Rain Forest Crunch?" Segrega..whoops..separate all of your garbage
into different containers: glass, metal, white paper, blue paper, plastic, etc. Make sure that all your make-up has not been tested on animals. Try to find at least sixty ways to use your water; when you take a shower, brush your teeth at the same time. Then don't let the water go down the drain, use it to irrigate your lawn. Or better yet, replace your lawn with a vegetable garden. Don't use aerosol. And by all means, don't burn or deface our flag. Remember, as a citizen of America, you're living in God's country.

If you are fortunate enough to know your ethnic heritage, dress the part! Don't do drugs. You should listen to at least one of the following PC musicians: U2, REM, Sinead O'Connor, Sting, or KD Lang.
Harrass people who wear fur coats. Remind them that an innocent baby seal was mercilessly clubbed. Or just yell, "FUR." They hate that. And don't EVER eat meat.

Q: DON'T EAT MEAT? WHY NOT?!
Cows are animals, just like humans are animals. That means that they have rights. When you eat meat, you're oppressing animals!

Q: SO ALL KILLING IS BAD?
No, not always. Sometimes killing can be justified, when it's for a "Just Cause". You have to be able to tell when an animal has rights, and when it doesn't.

Q: HOW DO I KNOW WHEN AN ANIMAL HAS RIGHTS?
The general rule is as follows:
IF AN ANIMAL IS RARE, PRETTY, BIG, CUTE, FURRY, HUGGABLE, OR LOVABLE, THEN IT HAS RIGHTS.
Examine the following chart:

RIGHTS NO RIGHTS
cows cockroaches
cute bunnies flies
dolphins in tuna nets tuna in tuna nets
whales sharks
red squirrels gray squirrels
owls loggers
harbor seals barnacles

Q: WOW. WHAT ELSE CAN I DO TO BE PC?
Hug a tree. Rejoice each day in our cultural differences, for they are what gives flavour to our great country. Get in touch with your sexual identity.
Check your refrigerator for freon leaks. Subscribe to National Geographic. Search it for neat non-Western cultural traditions and costumes. After you read it, use the paper as an alternate fuel source.

Q: I'M NOT SURE ABOUT ALL OF THIS.
If you are feeling unsure about your motivation, just remember. YOU ARE RIGHT. It's that simple. You are right.

Q: HOW DO I KNOW IF AN ACTION IS UN-PC?
Good question. It's important to know when someone is saying something insensitive so that you can have that person removed from society. The guideline is as follows:

Is the confrontation between two white people?
Yes -> The liberal is right.
No -> The white person is oppressing the ethnic person.

Remember, many seemingly obvious issues, such as the railroading of Mayor Marion Barry, the Clarence Thomas issue, and the Saint Mary's University Carribean Society shut-down are really race issues.
Here's a fun practice drill for you: See how many newspaper articles you can make into race bias stories. It's fun! Some PCers are so good they can make the weather report look like a KKK pamphlet!

Q: WHAT SHOULD I DO IF I SEE SOMEONE DO SOMETHING NON-PC?
It all depends on the situation. If you are not in a position of authority, by all means report this activity immediately to whomever is in charge. If your school leader, employer, or superior is hip to the trend of the 90s, she or he will take the necessary steps to have the insensitive offender disciplined.

Q: BUT ISN'T THAT CENSORSHIP?
The Constitution never meant for racism, sexism and insensitivity to be espoused by anyone. That's not what free speech is about. Some call it censorship. PCers call it "selective" speech. Saying something negative about a particular race or gender is just as damaging as, say, punching them in the face. We just can't allow that kind of verbal assault.

Q: I'VE HEARD A LOT ABOUT PC WORDS TO REPLACE "BLACK," "INDIAN." ETC.
Yes. That's part of the PC movement. You see, part of the way we think about people comes directly from the words we use to describe them. Take "black" for instance. Why should a person be judged by the color of their skin?

Q: YOU MEAN THEY SHOULD RATHER BE JUDGED BY THE CONTENT OF THEIR CHARACTER?
No, I mean they should be judged by where their ancestors are from. If your great grandparents are from Africa, or Asia, or wherever, then you should be identified by that fact. You can even apply for special scholarships!

Q: I'M A MIXTURE OF FRENCH, GERMAN, ENGLISH, AND RUSSIAN. CAN I GET ONE?
No, there are none offered to white males. However, if you are a woman.oops... womyn, you may get one. There should be plenty for wymyn.

Q: HEY, WOULDN'T A WHITE PERSON FROM LIBYA OR EGYPT TECHNICALLY BE AN AFRICAN-AMERICAN?
Technically, yes. But that's not the kind of African-American we mean.
That is, we're REALLY talking about skin color, but we're pretending that we aren't. Another example: A white South-African immigrant is not an African-American either.

Q: HOW CAN I LEARN TO MAKE MY LANGUAGE MORE POLITICALLY CORRECT?
For more help, see the PC LEXICON at the end of the handbook.

Q: I'D LIKE MY CHILD TO BE PC. WHAT CAN I DO?
Well, for one thing, we should forcibly encourage students to volunteer their time with philanthropies. Also, we should re-emphasize non-Western perspectives on history. Finally, we should re-structure tests and quizzes to reflect cultural biases.

Q: I DON'T GET IT.
Well, the way the system works now, select under-represented minorities who tend to do worse on entrance tests have lower percentages of admissions at school and work, unless they receive preferential treatment. This is unfair and wrong.

Q: IT IS?
Yes. The truly PC way to do it is to have a different grading scale for different groups which gives or subtracts points from the final score, depending on who is taking the test. If you are white, then you have been benefited by society during your life. That means that you lose ten to fifteen points to make the test fair to everyone else.

Q: I GUESS THAT SOUNDS RIGHT.
It IS right. That's the beauty of PC.

Q: WHAT ELSE DO I HAVE TO BE CAREFUL OF?
Humor. PC people take every comment VERY seriously. We will not accept any comment, joke, remark, or anything that sounds like it could be a racial slur.

Q: GIVE ME AN EXAMPLE.
"What's black and white and red all over?" has been staple humor for decades. Not PC---it can be taken the wrong way. In every day speech, try to use phrases like, "Isn't that the pot calling the kettle African-American." Any racial jokes or jokes even mentioning culture or gender should be omitted. True, this mostly limits comedy to the level of sitcoms, but that's the price you pay for social equality.

Q: IS THAT ALL THERE IS TO IT?
Yes. The Politically Correct belief is essentially a recognition that people are diversely equal. We rejoice in this equality by treating people differently based on their equal individuality. Hop aboard the bandwagon... Be PC. Or you're an intolerant, racist, sexist insensitive pig.

PC LEXICON

"Insensitive Term"       "Preferred Term"

ETHNICITY
(PC people do not recognize the term, "race," as valid)

Black                          African-American
(NOTE: DOES NOT INCLUDE LIBYANS, EGYPTIANS, WHITE S-AFRICANS. DOES INCLUDE PEOPLE WITH DARK SKIN REGARDLESS OF
WHERE THEY ARE FROM OR WHERE THEY LIVE.)

Oriental                       Asian-American
(NOTE: NOT CONSIDERED "REAL" MINORITIES SINCE THEY TEND TO DO WELL)

Indian                          Native-American
(NOTE1: DO NOT CONFUSE WITH "AMERICAN-BORN".
NOTE2: THE FOLLOWING TEAMS ARE NOT PC: Atlanta Braves, Cleveland Indians, Kansas City Chiefs, Washington Redskins. AVOID THESE CITIES!!!)

Chicano                       Hispanic
(NOTE: THE FOLLOWING ARE NOT PC: Cheech and Chong, Chico and the Man episodes, Cisco Kid, Rosarita Salsa, Speedy Gonzales. AVOID! AVOID!)

White Trash                 PC Unaware Rustically Inclined

WASP (white male)    Insensitive Cultural Oppressor (ICO)

GENDER
(PC people don't like the word "sex" as it has confusing connotations)

Woman Womyn, Vaginal-American
Girl Pre-Womyn
Housewife Domestic Engineer
Fireman Firefighter
Stewardess Flight Attendant
Meter Maid Parking Enforcement Aduciator
Post Man Post Person
Mail Man Person Person
Policeman Law Enforcement Officer
Prostitute Sex Surrogate
Teen Victim See: Broken Home
Mankind, Human Earth Children

PEOPLE : SUB-GROUPS

Handicapped Physically Challenged
Differently Abled Handi-Capable
Blind Optically Darker
Photonically Non-receptive
Deaf Visually Oriented
Poor Economically Unprepared
Bum Homeless Person
Displaced Homeowner
Hunter Animal Assassin
Meat Mercenary
Bambi Butcher
Whaler Blubber Lovers
Old Person / Elderly 4th-Dimentionally Extended
Gerontologically Advanced
Conservative Right Wing Extremist Fascist Pig
Drug Addict Chemically Challenged
Bald Comb-Free
Bisexual Sexually Non-preferential
Midget, Dwarf Little People Vertically Challenged
Convict Socially Separated
Insane People Selectively Perceptive Mental Explorers
Learning Disability Self-Paced Cognitive Ability
Tree-Hugger Environmental Activist
Logger Wood Weasel
Paper Pirate
Treeslayer
Dead People Dysfunctional Earth Children
Biologically Challenged
Metaphysically Challenged

MISCELLANEOUS

Broken Home Dysfunctional Family
HouseBroken Family Disfunction
Cattle Ranch Cattle Concentration Camp
"Moo-shwitz"
Senile Bag o' Bones Alzheimer's Victim
Ghetto/Barrio Ethnically Homogenous Area
Pre-Integrated Pre-Nirvana
Hamburger Seared Mutilated Animal Flesh
Cheeseburger Adding Insult to Injury
Cheating (in School) Academic Dishonesty
Used Books Recycled Books
Previously enjoyed books
Trees Oxygen Exchange Units
Gang Youth Group
Pimp-mobile, Low-rider Culturally Responsive Transportation Option
Drunk/Trashed Spatially Perplexed
Slum Economic Oppression Zone
Delicatessen Corpse Farm
Charnel House
Obese People of Mass
Gravitationally Challenged

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Shallow Thoughts of Supermodels

ON COURAGE
"They were doing a full back shot of me in a swimsuit and I thought, Oh my God, I have to be so brave. See, every woman hates herself from behind."   -- Cindy Crawford

ON SELF-KNOWLEDGE
"Everywhere I went, my cleavage followed. But I learned I am not my cleavage."   -- Carole Mallory

ON POVERTY
"Everyone should have enough money to get plastic surgery." -- Beverly Johnson

ON FATE
"I wish my butt did not go sideways, but I guess I have to face that." -- Christie Brinkley

ON PSYCHOLOGY
"I loved making 'Rising Sun'. I got into the psychology of why she liked to get strangled and tied up in plastic bags. It has to do with low self-worth."   -- Tatjana Patitz

ON ARRIVING
"Because modeling is lucrative, I'm able to save up and be more particular about the acting roles I take."  -- Kathy Ireland, star of 'Alien From L.A.' and 'Danger Island'

ON CAREER CHOICES
"My boyfriend thinks I lost my true calling to be a librarian." -- Paulina Porizkova

ON PRIORITIES
"I would rather exercise than read a newspaper." -- Kim Alexis

ON GEOPOLITICS
"Mick Jagger and I just really liked each other a lot. We talked all night. We had the same views on nuclear disarmament." -- Jerry Hall

ON INNER STRENGTH
"I love the confidence that makeup gives me." -- Tyra Banks

ON DEATH
"Richard doesn't really like me to kill bugs, but sometimes I can't help it."   -- Cindy Crawford

ON TRAVEL
"I haven't seen the Eiffel Tower, Notre Dame, the Louvre. I haven't seen anything. I don't really care."  -- Tyra Banks

ON BREAKTHROUGHS
"Once I got past my anger toward my mother, I began to excel in volleyball and modeling."  -- Gabrielle Reece

ON EPIPHANY
"I just found out that I'm one inch taller than I thought."   -- Christie Brinkley

ON HEREDITY
"My husband was just OK looking. I was in labor and I said to him, What if she's ugly? You're ugly.'"  -- Beverly Johnson

ON THE BASICS
"It's very important to have the right clothing to exercise in. If you throw on an old T-shirt or sweats, it's not inspiring for your workout."  -- Cheryl Tiegs

ON INTRODUCTIONS
"I think most people are curious about what it would be like to be able to meet yourself -- it's eerie."  -- Christy Turlington

ON COURTSHIP
"The soundtrack to 'Indecent Exposure' is a romantic mix of music that I know most women love to hear, so I never keep it far from me when women are nearby." -- Fabio

ON PARADOX
"Sometimes I get lonely, but it's nice to be alone."  -- Tatjana Patitz

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Meeting of the minds

Bill Gates, Andy Grove, and Len Perham (CEOs of MicroSoft, Intel, and IDT, in case you didn't recognize one (or more?!) of the names) were in a high-powered business meeting. During the serious, tense discussions, a beeping noise suddenly is emitted from where Bill is sitting.Bill says, "Oh, that's my emergency beeper.
Gentlemen,excuse me, I really need to take this call." So Bill lifts his wristwatch to his ear and begins talking into the end of his tie. After completing this call, he notices the others are staring at him.
Bill explains, "Oh, this is my new emergency communication system. I have an earpiece built into my watch and a microphone sewn into the end of my tie. That way, I can a take a call anywhere."
The others nod, and the meeting continues.
Five minutes later, the discussion is again interrupted when Andy starts beeping. He also states, "Oh, that is my emergency beeper.
Excuse me, gentlemen, this must be an important call." So Andy taps his earlobe and begins talking into thin air. When he completes his call, he notices the others staring at him and explains, "I also have an emergency communication system. But my earpiece is actually implanted in my earlobe, and the microphone is actually embedded in this fake tooth. Isn't that neat?"
The others nod, and the meeting continues.
Five minutes later, the discussion is again interrupted when Len emits a thunderous fart. He looks up at the others staring at him and says, "Uhh, somebody get me a piece of paper... I'm receiving a fax."

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The Programmer's Quick Guide to the Languages

The proliferation of modern programming languages (all of which seem to have stolen countless features from one another) sometimes makes it difficult to remember what language you're currently using. This handy reference is offered as a public service to help programmers who find themselves in such a dilemma.

TASK: Shoot yourself in the foot.

C: You shoot yourself in the foot.
C++: You accidentally create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the foot. Providing emergency medical assistance is impossible since you
can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at others and saying, "That's me, over there."
FORTRAN: You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of toes, then you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run out of bullets, you
continue with the attempts to shoot yourself anyways because you have no exception-handling capability.
Pascal: The compiler won't let you shoot yourself in the foot.
Ada: After correctly packing your foot, you attempt to concurrently load the gun, pull the trigger, scream, and shoot yourself in the foot. When you try,
however, you discover you can't because your foot is of the wrong type.
COBOL: Using a COLT 45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.FOOT, THEN place ARM.HAND.FINGER on HANDGUN.TRIGGER and SQUEEZE.
THEN return HANDGUN to HOLSTER. CHECK whether shoelace needs to be re-tied.
LISP: You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot
yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the
appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds...
FORTH: Foot in yourself shoot.
Prolog: You tell your program that you want to be shot in the foot.
The program figures out how to do it, but the syntax doesn't permit it to explain it to you.
BASIC: Shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol. On large systems, continue until entire lower body is waterlogged.
Visual Basic: You'll really only _appear_ to have shot yourself in the foot, but you'll have had so much fun doing it that you won't care.
HyperTalk: Put the first bullet of gun into foot left of leg of you. Answer the result.
Motif: You spend days writing a UIL description of your foot, the bullet, its trajectory, and the intricate scrollwork on the ivory handles of the gun. When
you finally get around to pulling the trigger, the gun jams.
APL: You shoot yourself in the foot, then spend all day figuring out how to do it in fewer characters.
SNOBOL: If you succeed, shoot yourself in the left foot. If you fail, shoot yourself in the right foot.
Unix: % ls foot.c foot.h foot.o toe.c toe.o % rm * .o rm:.o no such file or directory % ls %
Concurrent Euclid: You shoot yourself in somebody else's foot.
370 JCL: You send your foot down to MIS and include a 400-page document explaining exactly how you want it to be shot. Three years later, your foot comes back deep-fried.
Paradox: Not only can you shoot yourself in the foot, your users can, too.
Access: You try to point the gun at your foot, but it shoots holes in all your Borland distribution diskettes instead.
Revelation: You're sure you're going to be able to shoot yourself in the foot, just as soon as you figure out what all these nifty little bullet-thingies are for.
Assembler: You try to shoot yourself in the foot, only to discover you must first invent the gun, the bullet, the trigger, and your foot.
Modula2: After realizing that you can't actually accomplish anything in this language, you shoot yourself in the head.

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Actual Announcements Taken From Church Bulletins

1. Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.
2. Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
5. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
7. Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
8. Wednesday, the ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing, "Put me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.
9. Thursday at 5:00 P.M. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.
10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the alter.
11. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
12. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.
13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
14. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
15. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

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True story

A friend of a guy in the Nutrition School at Tufts was one of the lucky passengers onboard a Northwest Airlines flight to Boston during our recent hurricane "Bob". The captain did his best to skirt the edge of the storm, but it was a pretty rough ride just the same - rough enough that the flight attendants were ordered to strap themselves into their seats for about half an hour, and many of the passengers were putting the little plastic-lined bags in their seat pockets to good use. When the turbulence finally abated, the flight attendants unbuckled themselves, and the captain's voice came on over the intercom.

"Well, folks, that was quite some ride, wasn't it?' But we came through it fine, just the way we always do, and I'm happy to report that it looks like the remainder of our trip should be much calmer. On behalf of myself and today's flight crew, I'd like to thank you very much for your calmness and cooperation, and extend our best wishes for a pleasant stay in Boston.

... <after a short pause and several clicks>...

"Jesus Christ - whadda bitchin' ride! Boy - I sure could use a cup of good strong coffee and a blow job, right about now"
As a stricken stewardess dashed up the aisle to the cabin to inform the captain that his intercom was still on, one of the passengers called after her, "Don't forget the coffee!"

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Early Retirement

Due to the current financial situation and probable merger, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put all workers over 35 on early retirement. This scehme will be known as Retiring Active Personnel Early (RAPE).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Management to be eligible for the SHAFT SCHEME (Special Help After Forced Termination). The situation of persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW SCHEME (Subsistance Conditions for Retired Early Workers). A person may only be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice but SCREWED as many times as management deems appropriate.

Should an employee be refused a SCREW, he can apply to get AIDS (Addition Income for Dependents or Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earning for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by management.

Persons staying on will receive SHIT (Special High Intensity Training). Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives its employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your Supervisor. He has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

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This story was related by someone at SuperMac.
Subject: Stressful tech call
To: Customer Service; TechSports

SuperMac records a certain number of technical support calls at random, to keep tabs on customer satisfaction. By wild "luck", they managed to catch the following conversation on tape.

Some poor SuperMac TechSport got a call from some middle level official... from the legitimate government of Trinidad. The fellow spoke very good English, and fairly calmly described the problem.

It seemed that was a coup attempt in progress at that moment. However, the national armoury for that city was kept in the same building as the Legislature, and it seems that there was a combination lock on the door to the armoury. Of the people in the capitol city that day, only the Chief of the Capitol Guard and the Chief Armourer knew the combination to the lock, and they had already been killed.

So, this officer of the government of Trinidad continued, the problem is this. The combination to the lock is stored in a file on the Macintosh, but the file has been encrypted with the SuperMac product called Sentinel. Was there any chance, he asked, that there was a "back door" to the application, so they could get the combination, open the armoury door, and defend the Capitol Building and the legitimately elected government of Trinidad against the insurgents?

All the while he is asking this in a very calm voice, there is the sound of gunfire in the background. The Technical Support guy put the person on hold. A phone call to the phone company verified that the origin of the call was in fact Trinidad. Meanwhile, there was this mad scramble to see if anybody knew of any "back doors" in the Sentinel program.

As it turned out, Sentinel uses DES to encrypt the files, and there was no known back door. The Tech Support fellow told the customer that aside from trying to guess the password, there was no way through Sentinel, and that they'd be better off trying to physically destroy the lock.

The official was very polite, thanked him for the effort, and hung up. That night, the legitimate government of Trinidad fell. One of the BBC reporters mentioned that the casualties seemed heaviest in the capitol, where for some reason, there seemed to be little return fire from the government forces.

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Things To Keep In Mind!

- Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
- Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
- 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
- Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
- Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
- ...Every morning is the dawn of a new error...
- A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.
- For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
- I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...
- The beatings will continue until morale improves.
- I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
- Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.
- Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
- Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
- There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
- I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
- Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
- A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
- I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
- Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out.
- If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
- Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
- Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.
- If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
- If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
- If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
- Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.
- It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
- Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
- Look out for #1. Don't step in #2 either.
- Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
- Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
- Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
- Do witches run spell checkers?
- Demons are a Ghouls best Friend.
- Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.
- What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
- Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
- COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key
- Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.
- 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
- Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
- Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
- My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
- C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL
- C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN
- Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression
- The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
- BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding
- The name is Baud......, James Baud.
- BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
- Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!
- C:\> Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
- Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..
- Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"
- As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
- Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
- Backups? We don' *NEED* no steenking backups.
- E Pluribus Modem
- ... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
- Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
- A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
- An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
- CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/n)?
- Does fuzzy logic tickle?
- A computer's attention span is as long as it's power cord.
- 24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?
- SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .
- Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk?
- Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.
- RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.
- Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...
- All computers wait at the same speed.
DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors.
- Press <CTRL>-<ALT>-<DEL> to continue ...
- Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.....
- Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
- ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
- E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.
- Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!!
- All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
- Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
- "640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981
- DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS
- Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
- Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
- Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
- Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven.
- REALITY.SYS corrupted: Reboot universe? (Y/N/Q)
- Sped up my XT; ran it on 220v! Works greO?_~"
- Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
- Read my chips: No new upgrades!
- Hit any user to continue.
- 2400 Baud makes you want to get out and push!!
- I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in control!
- Will the information superhighway have any rest stops?
- Disk Full - Press F1 to belch.
- Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (T)hrowup
- Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic
- (A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network?
- (A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer?
- If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.
- Programmers don't die, they just GOSUB without RETURN.
- Programmer - A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.
- Real programmers don't document. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand."

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Tax-Funded Religious Lobbyist Given Congressional Podium to Push Censorship

prayer (Senate - June 12, 1995)
[Page: S8127]

The Chaplain, Dr. Lloyd John Ogilvie, offered the following prayer:

Almighty God, Lord of all life, we praise You for the advancements in computerized communications that we enjoy in our time. Sadly, however, there are those who are littering this information superhighway with obscene, indecent, and destructive pornography . Virtual but virtueless reality is projected in the most twisted, sick, misuse of sexuality. Violent people with sexual pathology are able to stalk and harass the innocent. Cyber solicitation of teenagers reveals the dark side of online victimization.

Lord, we are profoundly concerned about the impact of this on our children. We have learned from careful study how children can become addicted to pornography at an early age. Their understanding and appreciation of Your gift of sexuality can be denigrated and eventually debilitated. Pornography disallowed in print and the mail is now readily available to young children who learn how to use the computer.

Oh God, help us care for our children. Give us wisdom to create regulations that will protect the innocent. In times past, You have used the Senate to deal with problems of air and water pollution, and the misuse of our natural resources. Lord, give us courage to balance our reverence for freedom of speech with responsibility for what is said and depicted.

Now, guide the Senators as they consider ways of controlling the pollution of computer communications and how to preserve one of our greatest resources: the minds of our children and the future moral strength of our Nation. Amen.

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Scientists Discover New Element: Administratium

The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by university physicists. The element, tentatively named "Administratium", had no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 15 assistant neutrons, 70 vice neutrons, and 161 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 247. These 247 particles are held together in the nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called
morons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with.
According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium added to one reaction caused it to take over four days to complete. Without the Administratium, the reaction occurred in less than one second.

Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at which time it does not actually decay but instead undergoes a

reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Studies seem to show the atomic number actually increasing after each reorganization.

Research indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate in certain locations such as government agencies, large corporations and universities. It can usually be found in the newest, best-appointed and best-maintained buildings.

Scientists warn that Administratium is known to be toxic, and recommend plenty of fluids and bed rest after even low levels of exposure.

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Leper jokes

What's the definition of a skeleton?
A leper in a wind-tunnel.

Why did the leper fail his driving test?
He left his foot on the clutch.

Did you hear about the lepers playing poker?
One threw his hand in and the other laughed his head off.

You must know about the ice-hockey playing lepers...
They started with a face off.

What did the leper say to the prostitute?
Keep the tip.

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Top 20 Suck-up Lines

"It takes a special man to wear a Speedo like you."
"That's just the funniest joke I've ever heard."
"No, that doesn't make your butt look big."
"It tastes just like mom used to make."
"You must have a high metabolism."
"You're telling me those are fake?"
"Have you been working out?"
"You look great in spandex."
"I'm sure it's very big."
"Oh, you're so clever."
"Wow. It looks so real."
"You're so photogenic."
"Chartreuse is your color."
"Honestly, I never noticed."
"You don't look a day over 25."
"I've never seen anything that big."
"No way. You mean those aren't real?"
"This is the best meatloaf (substitute whatever) I've ever had."
"You mean that's not your natural color?"
"She's your daughter? I thought you were sisters."

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There was a farmer who had a brown cow and a white cow and he wanted to get them bred. So, he borrowed his neighbor's bull and turned it loose in the pasture. He told his son to watch and come in and tell him when the bull was finished.
"OK, Pop." said the little boy.
After a while, the boy came into the living room where his father was talking with some friends. "Say, Pop", said the boy, "the bull just fucked the brown cow".
There was a sudden lull in the conversation. The father said, "Excuse me" and took his son outside. "Son, you mustn't use language like that in front of company. You should say 'The bull surprised the brown cow'. Now go and watch and tell me when the bull surprises the white cow".
The father went back inside the house. After a while the boy came in and said, "Hey, Pop". "Yes, Son. Did the bull surprise the white cow?"
"He sure did, Pop! He fucked the brown cow again!"

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Little Johnny is attending his maths class when teacher asks him a question: "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your rifle, how many would be left?"
"None," says Johnny, "because the rest would fly away."
"Well the answer is four," says teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."
Little Johnny says, "I have a question for now: If there were three women eating ice cream cones entering a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting the cone, and the third was sucking the cone, which one is married?"
"Well" says teacher, "I guess the one sucking the cone?"
"Not quite," says little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking......."

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Murphy's Laws On Sex

2. Nothing improves with age.
3. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it.
6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
7. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
8. No sex with anyone in the same office.
10. A man in the house is worth two in the street.
11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
12. Virginity can be cured..
16. Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
17. It is always the wrong time of month.
20. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.
22. The younger the better..
27. Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.
32. Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics..
36. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.
37. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
43. A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.
46. Never say no.
49. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
50. Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.
52. Love comes in spurts.
53. The world does not revolve on an axis.
54. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.
56. Don't do it if you can't keep it up.
59. Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.

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If Operating Systems Were Beers...

DOS Beer:
Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.

Mac Beer:
At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan.

Windows 3.1 Beer:
The world's most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.

OS/2 Beer:
Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans won't explode when you when you open them, even if you shake them up. You never really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold.

Windows 95 Beer:
You can't buy it yet, but a lot of people have taste-tested it and claim it's wonderful. The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16 oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brew.

Windows NT Beer:
Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer's, but the company promises to change the can to look just like Windows 95 Beer's - after Windows 95 beer starts shipping. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars.

Unix Beer:
Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to 64 oz. Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around for those occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of instructions, or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years.

AmigaDOS Beer:
The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import. This beer never really sold very well because the original manufacturer didn't understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud group. It originally came in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in 32-oz. cans too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and colorful, but the design hasn't changed much over the years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway.

VMS Beer:
Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and sipping. However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or contain extremely un-beer-like contents. Best drunk in high pressure development environments. When you call the manufacturer for the list of ingredients, you're told that is proprietary and referred to an unknown listing in the manuals published by the FDA. Rumors are that this was once listed in the Physicians Desk Reference as a
tranquilizer, but no one can claim to have actually seen it.

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Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handy

If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something.

When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say, "Aw fuck you, get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill.

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."

Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.

I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel it.

I bet when the neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick, heavy brows." Then they would all get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman.

Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaught on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man."

Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.

The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any toys. But this one little boy had gotten an old enema bag and filled it with rocks, and he would go around and whap the other children across the face with it. Man, I think my heart almost broke. Later the boy came up and offered to give me the toy. This was too much! I reached out my hand, but then he ran away. I chased him down and took the enema bag. He cried a little, but that's the way of these people.

I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.

I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.

I'd rather be rich than stupid.

If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me."

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.

I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.

We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!

Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.

You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.

If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that. If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals.

Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing.

He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven--with a gun."

The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.

As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch for Rocks." Marta said it should read "Watch for Pretty Rocks." I told her she should write in her suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a joke - just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy!

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to DisneyLand, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "DisneyLand burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real DisneyLand, but it was getting pretty late.

If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone.

Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.

We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.

I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.

As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and
how I named him Flint. If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what is I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.

Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.

The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.

When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmm,
boy.

Whether they find a life there or not, I think Jupiter should be called an enemy planet.

Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.

I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. And since he is so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and give it to him.

Just because swans mate for life, I don't think its that big a deal. First of all, if you're a swan, you're probably not going to find a swan that looks much better than the one you've got, so why not mate for life?

If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny.

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.

I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like, "Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me?" or "Do you have that $50 you borrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap!

I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend.

I think one way the cops could make money would be to hold a murder weapons sale. Many people could really use used ice picks.

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you could shoot beer out of you nose.

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.

Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom. I could walk freely, make my own meals, and even hurl large rocks at their heads. It was only later that I discovered that they were not Indians at all but only dirty-clothes hampers.

I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.

It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, and Angel gets set on fire.

If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And if someone asks me why I didn't get more meat, I'll just say, "Oh, you mean this?" and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes, where I've hidden it. Good magic trick, huh?

Life, to me, is like a quiet forest pool, one that needs a direct hit from a big rock half-buried in the ground. You pull and you pull, but you can't get the rock out of the ground. So you give it a good kick, but you lose your balance and go skidding down the hill toward the pool. Then out comes a big Hawaiian man who was screwing his wife beside the pool because they thought it was real pretty. He tells you to get out of there, but you start faking it, like you're talking Hawaiian, and then he gets mad and chases you...

Sometimes, when I drive across the desert in the middle of the night, with no other cars around, I start imagining: What if there were no civilization out there? No cities, no factories, no people? And then I think: No people or factories? Then who made this car? And this highway? And I get so confused I have to stick my head out the window into the driving rain---unless there's lightning, because I could get struck on the head by a bolt.

The whole town laughed at my great-grandfather, just because he worked hard and saved his money. True, working at the hardware store didn't pay much, but he felt it was better than what everybody else did, which was go up to the volcano and collect the gold nuggets it shot out every day. It turned out he was right. After forty years, the volcano petered out. Everybody left town, and the hardware store went broke. Finally he decided to collect gold nuggets too, but there weren't many left by then. Plus, he broke his leg and the doctor's bills were real high.

Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that everybody called the "Cricket Boy", because I would have liked to stand up in class and tell everybody, "You can make fun of the Cricket Boy if you want to, but to me he's just like everybody else." Then everybody would leave the Cricket Boy alone, and I'd invite him over to spend the night at my house, but after about five minutes of that loud chirping I'd have to kick him out. Maybe later we could get up a petition to get the Cricket Family run out of town. Bye, Cricket Boy.

I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat". It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then, all of a sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man, those ducks really take off! Also, Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.

I wish I lived back in the old west days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick. Then I'd go out West and start digging for gold. When someone came up and asked what I was doing, I'd say, "Looking for gold, ya durn fool." He'd say, "Your pick is gold," and I'd say, "Well, that was easy." Good joke, huh.

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Once a British woman, in her mid-fourties, wanted to get married. There was just one thing she demanded from her future husband: that he had never before slept with a woman.
So, she starts placing ads in papers all over the world, and finally ends up corresponding to this Australian bloke who has lived all his life in the outback. After a few months of writing letters, this woman decides this Aussie is the right husband for her and goes to Australia to get married.
All goes fine at the wedding ('t has been a long time that a bloke married to a woman instead of sheep ;-)) and then, finally, the wedding night. The woman goes to the bathroom to prepare herself for her first night with her husband, and tells him to wait a few moments. When she comes back, she finds that he has stacked all the furniture together on one big pile in a corner of the room. Of course, she asks what's going on.
'Well, I've never slept with a woman before, but if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get!'

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Actual radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations, 10-10-95.

#1: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision
#2: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to South to avoid a collision.
#1: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
#2: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
#1. THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!
#2. This is a lighthouse. Your call.

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Q: What do you get when you cross a mormon with a satanist?
A: A guy who walks around knocking on doors, telling you to go to hell.

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Letterman's Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty At The Office, But Aren't:

10. I need to whip it out by 5!
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Put it in my box before I leave.
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!
5. HMMMMMMMMMMM....I think it's out of fluid.
4. My equipment is so old it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry-level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?

AND NUMBER 1

1. It's not fair...I do all the work while he just sits there.

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GERBILMANIA: everything you wanted to know but were afraid...

This article is from a syndicated column called, The Straight Dope, and was written by Cecil Adams. It was published in the Chicago Reader, sometime
in 1986.

THE STRAIGHT DOPE
While discussing a gay acquaintance recently, my friend Mary, a nurse, lauded him by adding, "and he's no damn gerbil stuffer, either." When I protested that she should not perpetuate cruel stereotypes of our homosexual brethren, she informed me that she personally had witnessed a fellow admitted by her hospital to remove a deceased gerbil lodged in his rectum. That gentleman is now doomed to be tied to a colostomy bag through eternity. What I'd like to know is, what are the mechanics and philosophy of gerbil stuffing? How are the gerbils inserted and retrieved? Don't they bite and scratch? Why not hamsters or snakes? Is this a common practice? My curious friends and I await your reply with bated breath. -- Shannon O'Hara, W. Thomas
Let's face it, toots, an awful lot of stuff has been found where that gerbil was found. The medical journals list an astonishing array: a bottle of Mrs. Butterworth's syrup, an ax handle, a nine-inch zucchini, countless didoes and vibrators including one 14-inch model complete with two D-cell batteries, a plastic spatula, a 9 1/2-inch water bottle, a deodorant bottle, a Coke bottle, a large bottle cap, numerous other bottles, a 3 1/2-inch Japanese glass float ball, an 11-inch carrot, an
antenna rod, a 150-watt light bulb, a 100-watt frosted bulb, a cucumber, a screwdriver, four rubber balls, 72 1/2 jeweler's saws (all from one patient, but not all at the same time, although 29 were discovered on one occasion), a paperweight, an apple, an onion, a plastic toothbrush package, two bananas, a frozen pig's tail (it got stuck when it thawed), a ten-inch length of broomstick, an 18-inch umbrella handle and central rod, a plantain encased in a condom, two Vaseline jars, a whiskey bottle with a cord attached, a teacup, an oil can, a six-by-five-inch tool box weighing 22 ounces, a six-inch stone weighing two pounds (in the latter
two cases the patients died due to intestinal obstruction), a baby powder can, a test tube, a ball-point pen, a peanut butter jar, candles, baseballs, a sand-filled bicycle inner tube, sewing needles, a flashlight, a half-filled tobacco pouch, a turnip, a pair of eyeglasses, a hard-boiled egg, a carborundum grindstone (with handle), a suitcase key, a syringe, a file tumblers and glasses, a polyethylene waste trap from the U-bench of a sink, and so on. In 1955 one man who was "feeling depressed" reportedly inserted a six-inch paper tube into his rectum, dropped in a lighted firecracker, and blew a hole in his anterior rectal wall. This changed his mood multo rapido.

As for live or recently deceased fauna, rumors of gerbil (and mouse or hamster) stuffing have been circulating since about 1982, and I know of at least one case, in 1984, when a Denver weekly printed a confirmed report of gerbilectomy in a local emergency room. Unfortunately, such cases have been slow in making their way into the formal literature of medicine. I have checked with numerous sources, including gays, doctors, and your nurse friend, and though everybody has heard about gerbil stuffing, there is no consensus on how it is accomplished or how often it occurs. The principle is simple: a tube is inserted in the rectum, and a recently manicured gerbil is induced to run up the tube and burrow in. There's some difference of opinion about what happens next. Some say the gerbil somehow winds up in a bag or sack (perhaps a condom?); others say no sack is used - the gerbil simply squirms around, eventually dies of suffocation, and is later eliminated during defecation. The kick supposedly is the sensation of fur. I am skeptical about this, but let's face it, I am skeptical about this whole damn business. I should note that there are nerve endings only in the lower extremities of the rectum, and thus there is nothing to be gained by shoveling extended families of gerbils into your lower quadrant. A word to the wise.

Complications often occur. Often the rectum and/or anus becomes lacerated, torn, or infected. (The Manhattan publication "New York Talk" reported about a year ago that New York doctors first caught on to stuffing when they started encountering patients with infections previously found only in rodents.) More generally, chronic insertion of objects (or fists, for that matter) can result in a flaccid anus, a major turn-off in my book. Cecil sternly advises caution. And stick to mammals your own size.

- Cecil Adams

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Murphy's Laws

If anything can go wrong, it will.

Murphy's Paradox: Doing it the hard way is always easier.
Schopenhaur's Law of Entropy: If you put a spoonful of wine in a barrel full of sewage, you get sewage.
The Siddhartha Principle: You cannot cross a river in two strides.
Spencer's Laws of Data:
1. Anyone can make a decision given enough facts.
2. A good manager can make a decision without enough facts.
3. A perfect manager can operate in perfect ignorance.
Weber's Definition: An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.
Lefty Gomez's Law: If you don't throw it, they can't hit it.
Meadow's Maxim: You can't push on a rope.
Patry's Law: If you know something can go wrong and take due precautions against it, something else will go wrong.
Richard's Complementary Rules of Ownership
1. If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away.
2. If you throw anything away, you will need it as soon as it is no longer accessible.
3.Erbenich's Extension: If you keep it and you need it, you won't be able to find it.
Rogers' Law: If it's worth doing, it's worth overdoing.
Howe's Law: Everyone has a scheme that will not work.
Munder's Corollary: Everyone who does not work has a scheme that does.
The 90/90 Rule of Project Schedules: The first 90 percent of the task takes 10 percent of the time. The last 10 percent of the task takes 90 percent of the time.
O'Brien's Law: Nothing is ever done for the right reasons.
Levy's Ninth Law: Only God can make a random selection.
Hardin's Law: You can never do just one thing.
Roberts' Axiom: Only errors exist.
Lerman's Law of Technology: Any technical problem can be overcome given enough time and money.
Lerman's Corollary: You are never given enough time or money.
Finagle's Eighth Rule: Teamwork is essential. It allows you to blame someone else.
First Rule of Acting: Whatever happens, look as if you intended it to happen.
Jilly and Rob's Conclusion: Life is too serious to be taken very seriously.
Law of the Individual: Nobody really cares or understands what anyone else is doing.
Beach's Law: No two identical parts are alike.
Hane's Law: There is no limit to how bad things can get.
Jay's First Law of Leadership: Changing things is central to leadership, and changing them before anyone else does is creative leadership.
Paul's Law: You can't fall off the floor.
Evans' Law: If you can keep your head when everyone about you is losing his, then you just don't understand the problem.
Thine's Law: Nature abhors people.
Carlin's Bigger Dick Foreign Policy Theory: What, they have bigger dicks? Bomb them.
Quantization Revision of Murphy's Law: Everything goes wrong all at once.

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After hearing some new words in school, a young boy went to his mother and asked "what's a pussy". Although puzzled by the question, the mother then reached down and picked up the family cat; holding it she said "this is a pussy".
They boy then asked "then what's a bitch". The mother then called their dog and stated "this is a bitch - a female dog".
Somewhat confused because this explanation didn't seem to fit how the words were used at school, the boy went to the garage and asked his father "Dad, what's a pussy?". His father reaches above the work bench bringing down a Playboy. He opens the magazine and draws a circle around the womens crotch stating "...this is a pussy".
The boy, now confused, then asks "..then what's a bitch". Without hesitation, the father points to the picture and firmly states, "..everything outside the circle."

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FINAL EXAM

Instructions: Read each question carefully. Answer all questions.
Time limit: 2 hours. Begin immediately.

History: Describe the history of the Papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political, economic, religious and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, America and Africa. Be brief, concise and specific.
Medicine: You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until you work has been inspected. You have fifteen minutes.
Public Speaking: 2500 riot-crazed aborigines are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek.
Biology: Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the English Parliamentary System. Prove your thesis.
Music: Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.
Physchology: Based on your knowledge of their works, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisis, Rameses II, Hammuarabi. Support your evaluation with quotations from each man's work, making appropriate references. It is not
necessary to translate.
Sociology: Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.
Engineering: The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In 10 minutes, a hungry bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel necessary. Be prepared to justify your decision.
Economics: Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas: Cubism, the Donatist Controversy and the Wave Theory of Light. Outline a method for preventing these effects. Criticize this method from all possible points of view. Point out the deficiencies in your point of view, as demonstrated in your answer to the last question.
Political Science
: There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects if any.
Epistemology: Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of your stand.
Physics: Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on science.
Philosophy: Sketch the development of human thought. Estimate its significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of thought.
General Knowledge: Describe in detail. Be objective and specific.

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McDonnell Douglas WARRANTY CARD: AIRCRAFT-SPACE SYSTEMS-MISSILES

Important! Important!

Please fill out and mail this card within 10 days of purchase

Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.

1. _Mr. _Mrs. _Ms. _Miss _Lt. _Gen. _Comrade _Classified _Other

First Name____________________Initial____Last Name_________________________

Latitude________________________Longitude__________________________________

Altitude________________________Password, Code Name, Etc.__________________


2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?

_F-14 Tomcat _F-15 Eagle _F-16 Falcon _F-19A Stealth _Classified

3. Date of purchase: Month___________Day___________Year____________

4. Serial Number____________________

5. Please check where this product was purchased:

_Received as Gift/Aid Package
_Catalog Showroom
_Sleazy Arms Broker
_Mail Order
_Discount Store
_Government Surplus
_Classified

6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you have just purchased:

_Heard loud noise, looked up
_Store Display
_Espionage
_Recommended by friend/relative/ally
_Political lobbying by Manufacturer
_Was attacked by one

7. Please check the three (3) factors which most influenced your decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:

_Style/Appearance
_Kickback/Bribe
_Recommended by salesperson
_Speed/Maneuverability
_Comfort/Convenience
_McDonnell Douglas Reputation
_Advanced Weapons Systems
_Price/Value
_Back-Room Politics
_Negative experience opposing one in combat

8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:

_North America
_Central/South America
_Aircraft Carrier
_Europe
_Middle East
_Africa
_Asia/Far East
_Misc. Third-World Countries
_Classified

9. Please check the products that you currently own, or intend to purchase in the near future:

Product                                  Own                      Intend to purchase
Color TV
VCR
ICBM
Killer Satellite
CD Player
Air-to-Air Missiles
Space Shuttle
Home Computer
Nuclear Weapon

10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? Check all that apply:

_Communist/Socialist
_Terrorist
_Crazed (Islamic)
_Crazed (Other)
_Neutral
_Democratic
_Dictatorship
_Corrupt (Latin American)
_Corrupt (Other)
_Primitive/Tribal

11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?

_Cash
_Suitcases of Cocaine
_Oil Revenues
_Deficit Spending
_Personal Check
_Credit Card
_Ransom Money
_Traveler's Check

12. Occupation You Your Spouse

Homemaker
Sales/Marketing
Revolutionary
Clerical
Mercenary
Tyrant
Middle Management
Eccentric Billionaire
Defense Minister/General
Retired
Student

13. To help us understand our Customers' lifestyles, please indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:

Activity/Interest You Your Spouse
Golf
Boating/Sailing
Sabotage
Running/Jogging
Propaganda/Disinformation
Destabilizing/Overthrow
Default on Loans
Gardening
Crafts
Black Market/Smuggling
Collectibles/Collections
Watching Sports on TV
Wines
Interrogation/Torture
Household Pets
Crushing Rebellions
Espionage/Reconnaissance
Fashion Clothing
Border Disputes
Mutually Assured Destruction

Thanks for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future -- as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia.

Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to:

McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION
Marketing Department
Military Aerospace Division
P.O. Box 800
St. Louis, MO 55500

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A man starts a new job in a pickle factory but after a week has to visit the psychiatrist. "I've got to leave the pickle factory", he said. "Every time I go there I have an inexplicable urge to put my dick in the pickle slicer!"

The psychiatrist tells him to relax and go back to work. After a week he came back and said his urge had got worse. The psychiatrist calmed him down and sent him back to work again. The next week he came back looking really dejected and said "I finally did it. I put my dick in the pickle slicer."
"What happened?" exclaimed the psychiatrist.
"The boss came in and caught me and I got fired."
"What about the pickle slicer?" asked the psychiatrist.
"Oh", said the man, "She got fired as well."

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At Yale University, there were two sophmores who were taking Organic Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, etc., such that going into the final they had a solid A.  These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem
final was on Monday), they decided to go up to Harvard and party with some friends up there. So they did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to New Haven until early monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, what they did was to find the professor after the final and explain to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to Cambridge for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus. The prof thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that the prof had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and
told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about free radical formation and was worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page.

It said: '(95 points) Which tire?'"

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The world has lots of great love songs, but what I've always felt it was lacking was enough good break-up songs. So here goes...

Another Night With You
(C)1996 - Greg Bulmash

Sometimes I think that I would like to die,
Or shove a red-hot poker in my eye,
Or hold my breath until my face turns blue,
Or seal my legs shut with some crazy glue.
These are all things I would rather do
Than have to spend another night with you.
Perhaps I'd be happy chewing broken glass,
Or sticking knitting needles in my ass,
Or giving a warm sponge bath to Ed Koch,
Or taking a sledgehammer to my crotch.
All of these would be awful, it is true,
But they're better than another night with you.

Another night with you would be devoid of mirth
Another night with you would be like Hell on Earth.
You've gotten under my skin, like a splinter or a pin.
And though I know it is a sin, I want my freedom to begin.

Maybe I could find a rabid dog to kiss,
And having my legs broken would be bliss,
Or I could be struck deaf and blind and lame,
Or lose my sister in a poker game.
Such events would be interesting and new
If I compared them to another night with you.

From the highest mountain I would like to fall
Or shave my body and bathe in alcohol,
Or listen to Yoko Ono night and day,
Or perhaps in traffic I should go and play.
I hope this song has got my message through.
I don't want to spend another night with you.

Oh no... not another night with you

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True story from a Novell NetWare SysOp

Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech Rep: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech Rep: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech Rep: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."

At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he could not stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive.

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GROUCHO MARX

"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
"Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others."
"He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot."
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."

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The following letter was forwarded by someone who teaches at a junior high school; the letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly.

Dear Reyer School,
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizen's luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the county home for the aged. All my people are gone. It's nice to know that someone thinks of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.
My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but would never let me listen to it. The other day her radio fell and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I said fuck you.

Sincerely,
Edna Johnston

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PULP FICTION

Here is a interesting tidbit about the famous "Pulp Fiction" that you may have missed. It makes you want to go out and rent it again.
The answer to the question everyone has asked...
If you all are anything like me then you had no idea what was in the briefcase in Pulp Fiction. So, through a friend of a friend who had a two hour conversation with Quentin Tarantino himself, I now know, and I thought I would pass along the information because it makes the movie even 100 times better than it already is.
Remember the first time you were introduced to Marsellis Wallace. The first shot of him was of the back of his head, complete with band-aid. Then, remember the combination of the lock on the briefcase as 666. Then, remember that whenever anyone opened the briefcase, it glowed, and they were in amazement at how beautiful it was; they were speechless.
Now, bring in some Bible knowledge, and remember that when the devil takes your soul, he takes it from the back of your head. Yep, you guessed it. And what is the most beautiful thing about a person: his soul. Marsellis Wallace had sold his soul to the devil, and was trying to buy it back.
The three kids in the beginning of the movie were the devil's helpers. And remember that when the kid at the end came out of the bathroom with a "hand cannon," Jules and Vincent were not harmed by the bullets. "God came down and stopped the bullets," because they were saving a soul. It was divine intervention.
Ezekiel 25:17
"The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengence and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengence upon thee."

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Headaches

Pete was moderately successful in the career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.
After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches.
"The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Pete was shocked and depressed.
He wondered if he has anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit."
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see...size 44 long." Pete laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" . . . "It's my job."
Pete tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Pete admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Pete thought for a moment and then said, "Sure..." The salesman eyed Pete and said, "Let's see...34 sleeve and...16 and a half neck" Pete was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" . . . "It's my job."
Pete tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Pete adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Pete was on a roll and said,
"Sure..." The salesman eyed Pete's feet and said, "Let's see...8 and a half...wide." Pete was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" ..."It's my job."
Pete tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Pete walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?" Without hesitating, Pete said, "Sure ... " The salesman eyed Pete's head and said, "Let's see...7 3/8." Pete was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?" ... "It's my job."
The hat fit perfectly. Pete was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Pete thought for a second and said, "Sure ... " The salesman stepped back, eyed Pete's waist and said, "Let's see...size 36." Pete laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

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Superman was flying along one day feeling very horny. He came across Batman so he decided to ask Batman, "Hey Batman, I'm feeling horny. Do you know anyone I can f*ck?" Batman told Superman, "Wonderwoman. She's the best." Superman responded, "No, I can't do that. She's a friend and it might ruin our relationship."
So Superman was flying along again when he came across Spiderman. He said, "Hey Spiderman, I'm really horny. Do you know where I can get a f*ck?"
Spiderman said, "Wonderwoman, she's the best!" Superman said, "No I can't do that to her. Thanks anyway." He flew off again and came across Captain America.
He said, "Captain America, you're the man. I am feeling SO horny, do you know where I can get laid?" Captain America replied, "Wonderwoman, she is the best f*ck in Superhero Land."
Superman said, "Wow, I never knew that Wonderwoman f*cked so many people. Still I can't do that to her."
While flying again, he saw Wonderwoman in the middle of a field, totally naked, and with her legs spread up in the air. He thought to himself, I'm faster than the speed of light, I'll be in and out before she even knows it. So, overcome with horniness, he flew down, f*cked, and flew away feeling totally satisfied. Meanwhile, in the field, Wonderwoman said, "What was that?!?" The Invisible man said, "I don't know, but my ass sure hurts."

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An old guy's sitting on a bus when a punk rocker gets on. The punk rocker's hair is red, green, yellow, orange...he's got got feather earrings, and he sees the guy staring at him. He says, "What's the matter, old man? Didn't you ever do anything wild?" The old guy says, "Yeah. One time I fucked a parrot. I thought maybe you were my kid."

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A little old lady sits at the luncheonette counter and orders a hamburger. The huge guy behind the counter bellows, "One burger!" The cook, who's even bigger, screams, "Bur-ger!", whereupon he grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat, and then tosses it on
the grill. The old lady says, "That's the most disgusting thing I think I've ever seen." The counterman says, "Yeah? You should be here in the morning when he makes the doughnuts."

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ADVANCED EBONICS, LESSON ONE

Here are some of the new vocabulary words that you should learn to use in a complete sentence:

1. HOTEL - I gave my girlfriend da crabs and the HOTEL everybody.
2. RECTUM - I had two Cadillacs, but my ol' lady RECTUM both.
3. DISAPPOINTMENT - My parole officer tol me if I miss DISAPPOINTMENT they gonna send me back to the big house.
4. FORECLOSE - If I pay alimony this month, I'll have no money FORECLOSE.
5. CATACOMB - Don King was at the fight the other night. Man, somebody give that CATACOMB.
6. PENIS - I wend to da doctor and he handed me a cup and said PENIS.
7. ISRAEL - Alonso tried to sell me a Rolex, I said Man, that look is fake. He said, No, ISRAEL.
8. UNDERMINE - There is a fine lookin' Ho livin' in the apartment UNDERMINE.
9. TRIPOLI - I was gonna buy my old lady a bra but I couldn't find no TRIPOLI.
10. STAIN - My mother-in-law axed if I was STAIN for dinner again.
11. SELDOM - My cousin gave me two tickets to the Knicks game so I SELDOM.
12. ODYSSEY - I told my bro, you ODYSSEY the tits on this hoe.
13. HORDE - My sister got into trouble because she HORDE around in school.
14. INCOME - I just got in bed wit dis hoe and INCOME my wife.
15. HONOR - At the rape trial, the judge axed my buddy, who be HONOR first.
16. FORTIFY - I axed da ho how much? And she say FORTIFY.

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Chinese Proverbs

1. Woman who goes to man's apartment for snack, gets titbit.
2. Man who lay woman on ground, get peace on earth.
3. Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding the bag.
4. Man who kisses girl's behind, gets crack in face.
5. Passionate kiss like spider web--lead to undoing of fly.
6. Man with holes in pockets, feels cocky all day.
7. Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.
8. Virginity like balloon--one prick, all gone.
9. Girl who rides bicycle, peddles ass all over town.
10. He who farts in church, sits in own pew.
11. Baseball all wrong--man with four balls can't walk.
12. Man who live in glass house, dress in basement.
13. Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.
14. Man with penis in peanut butter jar is fucking nuts.
15. Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.
16. Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have shitty time.
17. Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent.
18. When lady say no, she mean maybe,
      When lady say maybe, she mean yes,
      When lady say yes--she no lady!

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A young woman goes to her doctor and says: "Doc, you've got to help me, I hurt all over."
"What do you mean?" said the doctor. The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled: "OW, that hurts."
Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled: "OUCH! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe. "OW, even THAT hurts."
The doctor asked the woman: "Are you a natural blonde?" "Why YES," she said. "I thought so," said the doctor. "You have a sprained finger."

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From the New England Journal of Medicine

MEDICAL ASPECTS OF HUMAN SEXUALITY, JULY 1991, PAGE 15
William Morton MD is a retired urologist residing in Pennsylvania

"SCROTUM SELF-REPAIR"
One morning I was called to the emergency room by the head ER nurse.  She directed me to a patient who had refused to describe his problem other than to say that he "needed a doctor who took care of men's troubles." The patient, about 40, was pale, feeble, and obviously uncomfortable, and had little to say as he gingerly opened his trousers to expose a bit of angry red, black-and-blue scrotal skin. After I asked the nurse to leave us, the patient permitted me to remove his trousers, shorts, and two or three yards of foul-smelling stained gauze wrapped about his scrotum, which was swollen to twice the size of a grapefruit and extremely tender. A jagged zig-zag laceration, oozing pus and blood, extended down the left scrotum. Amid the matted hair, edematous skin, and various exudates, I saw some half-buried dark linear objects and asked the patient what they were. Several days earlier, he replied, he had injured himself in the machine shop where he worked, and had closed the laceration himself with a heavy-duty stapling gun. The dark objects were one-inch staples of the type used in putting up wallboard. We X-rayed the patient's scrotum to locate the staples; admitted him to the hospital; and gave him tetanus antitoxin, broad-spectrum antibacterial therapy, and hexaclorophene sitz baths prior to surgery the next morning. The procedure consisted of exploration and debridement of the left side of the scrotal pouch. Eight rusty staples were retrieved, and the skin edges were trimmed and freshened. The left testis had been avulsed and was missing. The stump of the spermatic cord was recovered at the inguinal canal, debrided and the vessels ligated properly, though not much of a hematoma was present. Through-and-through Penrose drains were sutured loosely in site, and the skin was loosely closed. Convalescence was uneventful, and before his release from the hospital less than a week later, the patient confided the rest of the story to me. An unmarried loner, he usually didn't leave the shop at lunchtime with his co-workers. Finding himself alone, he began the regular practice of masturbating by holding his penis against the canvas drive-belt of a large floor-based piece of running machinery. One day as he approached orgasm, he lost his concentration and leaned too close to the belt. When his scrotum suddenly became caught between the pulley and the drive belt, he was thrown into the air and landed a few feet away. Unaware that he had lost his left testis, and perhaps too stunned to feel much pain, he stapled the wound closed and resumed work. I can only assume that he abandoned this method of self-gratification.

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APPLICATION TO LIVE IN NORTHERN NEW JERSEY

NAME:____________________________ Nickname:________________________
ADDRESS: ________________________ EXIT #: _________________________

ETHNIC BACKGROUND:
a) Italian b) Sicilian c) Jewish d) Polish e) Other

CEMENT STATUE ON FRONT LAWN:
a) St. Christopher b) Flamingo c) Burro d) All of the above

BACKYARD SMELLS LIKE:
a) Sewage b) Sulfur c) Garbage d) Old tires e) All of the above

TOTAL NUMBER OF MUSCLE SHIRTS:
a) 5 - 10 b) 10 - 15 c) 15 - 20 d) 20 and above

NUMBER OF BON JOVI TOUR SHIRTS:
a) 5 - 10 b) 10 - 15 c) 15 - 20 d) 20 and above

NUMBER OF BON JOVI TOUR SHIRTS THAT ARE ALSO MUSCLE SHIRTS
a) 5 - 10 b) 10 - 15 c) 15 - 20 d) 20 and above

BRAND OF JEANS PREFERRED:
a) Sergio Valente b) Jordache c) Sassoon d) Z. Cavaricci

PERCENTAGE OF WARDROBE WHICH IS LEATHER:
a) 100% b) 95-100% c) 90-95% d) 85-90%

TOTAL NUMBER OF GOLD CHAINS OWNED:
a) 10 - 15 b) 15 - 20 c) 20 - 25 d) 25 and above

NUMBER OF GOLD CHAINS WORN AT ONE TIME:
a) 5 - 10 b) 10 - 15 c) 15 - 20 d) 20 and above

APPROXIMATE VALUE OF ALL THIS JEWELRY:
a) $ 5 - $10 b) $10 - $15 c) $15 - $20 d) Stolen

NUMBER OF APPLICATIONS OF OBSESSION/POLO/DRAKAR TO ACHIEVE DESIRED EFFECT:
a) 10 - 15 b) 15 - 25 c) 25 and above

VISIBLE GOLD CAP ON AT LEAST ONE TOOTH? YES NO

HAIR HEIGHT:
a) 6-8 Inches b) 8-12 Inches c) 1-2 feet d) More than 2 feet

HAIR PRODUCTS USED AT ANY GIVEN TIME:
a) Hair Spray
b) Styling Gel
c) Mouse
d) Extra Hold Styling Gel
e) Bondo
f) Spackle
g) 40 Weight Oil
h) Crazy Glue

AUTOMOBILE OWNED:
a) IROC Z
b) Firebird
c) Camaro
d) Mustang
f) Chevette ( You got a f#%*ing problem with it?)

NUMBER OF INCHES CAR IS OFF THE GROUND:
a) 6-8 Inches b) 4-6 Inches c) 2-4 Inches d) Under 2 Inches

CHARACTERISTICS OF AUTOMOBILE:
a) Gold chain around license plate
b) Neon lights around license plate
c) Neon lights under car
d) Chippendales/Playboy air freshener hanging from rear view mirror
e) Garter hanging from rear view mirror
f) Chrome hubcaps
g) Stick-on window tinting
h) Stick-on paint splash stickers
I) Fuzzy dice

FAVORITE SPORTS TEAM:
a) F#%*ing Giants
b) F#%*ing Jets
c) F#%*ing Mets
d) F#%*ing Yankees
e) F#%*ing Nets
f) F#%*ing Knicks
g) F#%*ing Devils
h) F#%*ing Rangers
i) F#%*ing Islanders

FAVORITE MUSIC:

a) Techno
b) Rap
c) Bon Jovi
d) Bruce Springstein

ESSAY QUESTION:
In 100 words or less, Define the term "Yoos Guys"

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THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR DURING SURGERY

- Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
- Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop.
- "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
- Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!
- Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
- Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
- Darn, there go the lights again...
- "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of 'em.
- Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
- That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!
- I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
- Sterile, shcmerile. The floor's clean, right?
- And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape.
- OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
- This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
- Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
- Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
- She's gonna blow! Everybody take cover!!!
- FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out now!!

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THOUGHTS ON LOVE

Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, it's one of the best. --Woody Allen
Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success. --Jim Backus
Only decent girls keep a diary. The others don't have the time. --Tallulah Bankhead
Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage. --Ambrose Bierce
Love: A season's pass on the shuttle between Heaven and Hell. --Don Dikerman
Getting divorced just because you don't love a man is almost as silly as getting married just because you do. --Zsa Zsa Gabor
Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth. And you should save it for someone you love. --Butch Hancock
Love is only the game that is not called on account of darkness. --M. Hirschfield
Love is like pi - natural, irrational, and very important. --Lisa Hoffman
Moving together with a man is like buying something you have long admired in a shop window.You're exalted when you bring it home, but you soon discover that it doesn't match the rest of the furniture. --Jean Kerr
I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years. --Sam Kinison
Bigamy is having one husband too many. Monogamy is the same. --Erica Jong
We're going to talk about sex -- actually, you're going to talk about sex, because I can't remember. --Professor Ralph Noble
You watch a talk show recently? They're doing one next month on a normal, happy heterosexual couple, assuming they can find one. --Ralph Noble
Every time I date a man I think: Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with? --Rita Rudner
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. --Rita Rudner
When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition continuously until death do them part. --George Bernard Shaw
No one is more carnal than a recent virgin. --John Steinbeck
It is an infantile superstition of the human spirit that virginity would be thought a virtue and not the barrier that separates ignorance from knowledge. --Voltaire
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. --Unknown
Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy. --Unknown
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. --Unknown
Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off. --Unknown

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Guyspeak to English Dictionary

What guy say...                          ...What they mean

It's just orange juice, try it.         3 more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head.

She's kind of cute                       I want to bang her till I am blue

I don't know if I like her              She won't blow me

I need you                                  My hand is tired

I really want to get to know you better....     so I can tell my friends about you

I had her                                      I had (wet dreams about) her all week

How do I compare with all your other boyfriends       Is my penis really that small?

You are the only girl I' ve ever cared about                 You are the only girl who has not  rejected me

I want you back ...                                                     ... for tonight anyway

We'we been through so much together                       If it was not for you, I never would have lost my virginity

I miss you much                                                         I am so horny that my roommate is starting to look good

No, I don't want to dance right now                           Shoot! She' ll know that I have a hard-on right now

The break-up should not start for another 24 hours    I want to have sex a few more times

I am different from all the other guys                           I am not circumcised

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Redneck Computer Lingo

Log On Makin' the wood stove hotter
Log Off  Don't add any more wood
Monitor Keep an eye on the wood stove
Download Gettin' the firewood off the pickup
Mega Hertz When yer not careful downloadin' (watch th' toes!)
Floppy Disk Whatcha get from pilin' too much firewood
Disk Operating System The equipment the Doc uses when you have a floppy disk
RAM The hydraulic thingy that makes the woodsplitter work
Hard Drive Gettin' home in mud season
Prompt What you wish the mail was in mud season
Windows What to shut when it's 30 below
Screen What you need for black fly season
Byte What black flies do
Chip What to munch on
Micro Chip What's left in the bag when the chips are gone
Infrared Where the leftovers go when Fred's around
Modem What you did to the hay fields
Dot Matrix John Matrix's wife
Printer Someone who can't write in cursive
Laptop Where little kids feel comfy
Keyboard Where you hang your keys
Software Them plastic eatin' utensils
486 One of them fancy imported cars
Mouse What eats the horses' grain in the barn
Mainframe The part of the barn that holds the roof up
Port Fancy wine
Enter C'mon in!
Random Access Memory When you suddenly can't remember how much that new rifle costs when your wife asks
Digital Like those numbers that flip on your alarm clock
Apple If you don't know what an apple is, I ain't tellin'
Program What's on the TV when there's reception
CD-ROM The place in the bank where they sell retirement accounts

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


 

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The madam opened the brothel door to see an elderly Jewish man. His clothes were all disheveled and he looked needy. "Can I help you?" the madam asked. "I want Natalie," the old man replied. "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..." "No, I must see Natalie."
Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. The man never blinked and reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour, whereupon the man calmly left.
The next night he appeared again demanding Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts...it was still $1,000. Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and he calmly left an hour later. When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man: "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row... where are you from?" The old man replied, "I am from Minsk." "Really?" replied Natalie, "I have a sister who lives
there." "Yes; I know," said the old man. "She gave me $3,000 to give to you."

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A town in Poland had only one cow and it stopped giving milk. The townspeople did a little research and discovered they could get a cow from Moscow for 2000 rubles - or one from Minsk for only 1000 rubles. So, naturally, --- they got the cow from Minsk.
It was a great cow: had a wonderful disposition, and gave lots of milk and lots of cream. Everybody loved it dearly. The people decided they would mate the cow and get more cows like it, and then they would never have to worry about their milk supply again.
So they got a bull and led the cow and the bull into the pasture. When the bull came in from the right to mount the cow, the cow moved to the left. When the bull moved in to mount the cow from the left, the cow moved to the right. This went on all day.
Finally, in desperation, the people decided to go ask the rabbi what to do. After all he was very wise.
They told him the story. "Rabbi, we've tried all day to mate our cow. When the bull moves in from the right the cow moves left and when the bull moves in from the left the cow moves to the right. What do we do?"
The Rabbi thought a moment and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?"
"Rabbi!" they replied as one, "You are so wise! We never said we bought the cow from Minsk. How did you know that?"
The Rabbi said, sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."

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Bedtime Remedy

Man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in hospital. "How are you grandpa?" he asks. "Feeling fine," says the old man.
"What's the food like?" "Terrific, wonderful menus." "And the nursing?" "Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."
"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?" "No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light."
The grandson is puzzled and not a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the nurse in charge. "What are you people doing," he says, "I'm told you're giving an
85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?" "Oh, yes," replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."

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There was a virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it.  Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. "He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that." She continued, "He is going to try to feel your breast; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family." With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it. The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old lady said. She said, "Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family."

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Middle Finger

Along time ago there was this little Italian boy in the fields with his dad. Looking at his dad's hands, the boy say's "papa, you do many many things with your hands, tell me about your fingers."
"Well Tony," Papa said, "You see this first finger? You usea thisa one to pointata what evea you wanta. You see youa thumb? You usea thisa for turna pages in a book, and your ringa finger, you will use whena you get a married, and your little finga, you use to picka you nose. And the middle finga, well, I'lla tella you about thata one when you getta married."
Well, Tony was satisfied with that and time past. It was now Tony's wedding day. It was a beautiful wedding, just before the bride and groom left, Tony went to have a talk with Papa. Tony said "Papa, many a year I use this finger to point at what I want, and I turna many a pages with my thumb, I've picked my nose with this little one, now I have a beautiful ring on my finger from the love of my life, but Papa, what is it I do with this middle finger?"
Papa drew close to Tony and said "Tony tonight you will make mad hot love to your woman many times and you may become tired, when that happens and your woman turns to you again wanting to makea the love againa, that's when you takea your middle finga and you poka on her head and say, 'Go back to sleep you silly woman!' "

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Old Age Love

A guy was invited to some old friends'home for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. He was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy. "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names." His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago."

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A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!" "Oh," replies the husband, "that was my mistress." The wife says, "That's it; I want a divorce." "I understand," replies her husband, "but, remember, if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But the decision is yours." Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. "Who's that woman with Jim?" she asks ."That's his mistress," replies her husband ."Ours is prettier," says the wife.

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A drunk had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the pub is closing. So the drunk stood up to leave and fell flat on his face.
He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the four blocks to his home.
When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep the second his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, So, you've been out drinking again!" "What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look.
"The pub called...you left your wheelchair there again."

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Letter from Kentucky Marine

Dear Ma and Pa

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.

Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, and stuff, but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different.

A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat. The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. They keep giving me medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in little metal boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy.
It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. He joined up the same time as me. But I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and weighs near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Gail

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2003 DARWIN AWARDS

For those of you not familiar with the Darwin awards, they are awarded annually for the most extreme act of (occasionally terminal) stupidity, and also for NOT contributing to the gene pool (we hope).

After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Beltway had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

=======================================

An American teenager was in the hospital recently recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

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Seems this Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window.. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

=======================================

As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store.. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

=======================================

Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper. They were quickly arrested.

A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!

When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle Street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

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A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." Then she quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

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A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray..."God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the Lotto."

Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it. She again prays..."God, please let me win the Lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lotto night comes and she still has no luck. Once again, she prays..."My God, why have You forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I have always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the Lotto just this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God Himself... "Sweetheart, work with Me on this... Buy a ticket!!"

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His and Her Diaries

HER DIARY:

Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to eat at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.  Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet where we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.  On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behaviour; I don't know why he didn't say I love you too.  When we got home I felt as if had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V. He seemed distant and absent.  Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed and, to my surprise, he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else.   I decided that I could not take it anymore so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep.   I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY:

Today the Mets lost. At least I got laid.

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Two men are driving through London when they get pulled over by a traffic policeman. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his stick.
The driver rolls down the window and whack, the officer smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver asks, "What the hell was that for?"

The officer answers, "You're in London, son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car." The driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."

The officer does a check on the driver's license, and it's okay.

He gives the man his license back, walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and whack, the officer smacks him on the head with the stick.

The passenger asks, "What'd you do that for?"

The officer says, "Just making your wish come true."

The passenger asks, "Making what wish come true?"

The officer says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say to your friend here, 'I wish that asshole would've tried that crap on me!'"

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A destitute Polish blonde, after working as a maid in New York was depressed for not being able to return to her native Poland. She went down to the docks and in desperation was about to leap into the freezing water and end her life, when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying.

After listening to the story, he took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. We are off to Gdansk in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day. Just make sure nobody sees you during the day"

Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded yes. After all, it was a good deal.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a life boat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

A week later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Gdansk, and he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

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Fix This

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."
He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Well, then could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."

To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!"

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"

She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either move in with him or bake him a cake."

He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"

She replied, "Hellooooo... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"

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Axis of Evil Wannabes
by John Cleese

Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil", Libya, China and Syria today announced that they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil", which they said would be more evil than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of in his State of the Union address.

Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new Axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name. "Right. They are just as evil . .in their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. "Everybody knows we're the best evils . . best at being evil . .we're the best." Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil. "They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad. "An axis can't have more than three countries", explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussien. "This is not my rule, it's tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So, you can only have three, and a secret handshake. Ours is wickedly cool."

International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as within minutes, France surrendered. Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what has become a game of geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan and Serbia announced that they had formed the "Axis of Somewhat Evil", forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the "Axis of Occasionally Evil", while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the "Axis of Not So Much Evil Really as Just Generally Disagreeable".

With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up,Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the "Axis of Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host the Olympics". Canada, Mexico and Australia formed the "Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Some Nasty Thoughts About America", while Scotland, New Zealand and Spain established the "Axis of Countries That Want Sheep to Wear Lipstick". "That's not a threat, really, just something we like to do", said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.

While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axis, although he rejected the establishment of the "Axis of Countries Whose Names End in 'Guay", accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges.

Israel, meanwhile, insisted it didn't want to join any Axis, but privately world leaders said that's only because no one asked them.

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A young ventriloquist is touring clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting.

"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype a woman that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person... because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general... and all in the name of humor!"

The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!"

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"Windows 2000" the Brooklyn Edition

Dear Consumas:

It has come ta our attention dat a cupola copies of the WINDOWS 2000 BROOKLYN EDITION may have accidentally bin shipped outsida Brooklyn. If ya got one a dese, you may need some help understandin' da commands.

Da Brooklyn edition may be recognized by da unique openin' screen. It reads:

"WINDAS 2000," wit a background picture of Grand Army Plaza. When you start da program, instead of da usual "harpy, stringy" music, you hear da teme from da Godfadda. It is also shipped wit a Sopranos screen sava.

Please also note:

Recycle Bin is labeled "Staten Island."

My Computer is called "My Friggin' Computa."

The Inbox is referred to as "Da Trunk."

Deleted Items are referred to as "Wacked," "Erased," or "Rubbed Out."

Control Panel is known as "Da Bosses."

Performing an "illegal operation" is known as "enhancin' the family business" and will actually maximize da program instead of shuttin' it down.

Hard Drive is referred to as "Da BQE Rush Hour." Instead of an error message a "You ain't gonna friggin' believe dis" pops up.

CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN DA BROOKLYN EDITION: OK..................Sure ting. Cancel.............Fugetaboutit Reset..............Start Ova Yes.................Yeah No...................Nah Find.................Put a contract out on Browse............Get a looksee Back...............U-toin Help................Help ain't available. Yous don't need no stinkin' help Stop................Knock it off Start................Move it! Settings...........Here's d' Rules

Also note dat any voice recognition software run on da BROOKLYN EDITION platform don't recognize da letter "R."

Some programs and udder accessories dat are ex! clusive to WINDAS 2000: Typa................A word processin' program Printa...............Printer Calculata..........Calculator Solitare.............Seven Card Stud

We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you mistakenly received a copy of da BROOKLYN EDITION. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version. Yous got a problem wit dat?

Sincerely,

BILLY ("4 eyes") GATES

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A man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he felt unwilling to spend much money. "How much do they run?" he asked the clerk.

"That depends," said the salesman. "They run from $2.00 to $2,000."

"Let's see the $2.00 model," he said.

The clerk put the device around the man's neck. "You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket," he instructed.

"How does it work?" the customer asked.

"For $2.00 it doesn't work," the salesman replied. "But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder!"

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First year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth.
"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.

Now learn to pay attention!

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Public Restroom

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restrooms at a rest stop but, I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassedly: "Doin Just Fine!"
And the other guy says: "So what are you up to?"
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh I'm like you, just traveling east!"
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question: "Can I come over to your place after while?"
Ok, this question is just wacky but i figured I could just be polite and end the conversation.
I tell him, "Well, I have company over so today is a bad day for me!"
Then I hear the guy say nervously...
"LISTEN!!! I'll have to call you back, there's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions, bye!"

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Swearing Parrot

There was this fella with a parrot. And the parrot swore like a sailor. He could swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. The trouble was, the guy who owned him was a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth was driving him crazy.

One day, it got to be too much, so the guy grabbed the bird by the throat, shook him really hard, and yelled, "QUIT IT!" But this just made the bird mad and he swore more than ever.

Then the guy got mad and said, "OK for you," and locked the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravated the bird and he clawed and scratched, and when the guy finally let him out, the bird cut loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush.

At that point, the guy was so mad he threw the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there was a terrible din. The bird kicked and clawed and thrashed. Then it suddenly became quiet.

At first the guy just waited, but then he started to think the bird might be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he became worried and opened up the freezer door.

The bird calmly climbed onto the man's outstretched arm and said, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."

The man was astounded. He couldn't understand the transformation that had come over the parrot.

Then the parrot said, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

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A Cantor tells his congregation's board of directors that he will have to find work elsewhere. He simply isn't earning enough to support his family.
The synagogue's leadership tells him they don't have the money to give him a raise, but they will help him in other ways... The butcher promises to supply his family with meat and chicken every week. The baker promises a never-ending supply of bread and cake. The clothing store owner promises to clothe his whole family. The sisterhood president says, "I promise to sleep with you every Monday and Thursday." The room becomes deathly quiet. Finally, the synagogue president asks the woman why she's making such an offer.
She replies, "I asked my husband what we could give to the cantor and he said, 'Screw the Cantor.'"

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Looks Are Deceiving

While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name.
Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 33 years ago.
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have been my classmate.
After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school. "Yes," he replied. "When did you graduate?" I asked. He answered, "In
1971."
"Why, you were in my class!" I exclaimed. He looked at me closely and then asked, "What did you teach?"

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Marketing for Blondes

Some of the females in the audience have asked for an explanation of the differences between marketing and sales. Perhaps the following analogies will help clear it up:

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."
--That's Direct Marketing

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed."
--That's Advertising

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."
--That's Telemarketing

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You get up and straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I" and reach up to straighten his tie brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
--That's Public Relations

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."
--That's Brand Recognition

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going home with your friend.
--That's a Sales Rep

Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you
--That's Tech Support

You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated toward the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"
--That's Spam

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It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.

But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's definitely going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.

Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting wood like crazy."

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An old man lived alone in Ireland. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have helped him, was in Long Kesh Prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament. Shortly, he received this reply, "For HEAVEN'S SAKE Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!" At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, without finding any guns. Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asking him what to do next. His son's reply was: "Now plant your potatoes, Dad. It's the best I could do at this time."

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A Charlotte, NC, lawyer (this can only happen in America) purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued and won! In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be "unacceptable fire" and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars, lost in the "fires". Now for the best part. After the lawyer cashed the cheque, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

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(To the woman who mistakenly entered the men's room...)

Please don't feel bad. It wasn't you entering the men's washroom that caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the time. It's rare us guys ever hit what were aiming for. Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee, and then just start spinning around; just so I'll make sure I hit something. You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men's penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall because all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet, and his penis will still manage to piss all over the roll of toilet paper, down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I'm telling 'ya those little buggers can't be trusted.

After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. I'm no longer allowed to pee like a man - standing up. I am required to sit down and pee. She has convinced me that this is a small price to pay. Otherwise if she had gone to the toilet one more time at night and either sat on a pee soaked toilet seat, or fell right into the toilet because I forgot to put the seat down, she was going to kill me in my sleep.

Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about, but because you and I have become such good friends and you think I'm a classy guy, I might as well be candid with you because it's a real problem, and you ladies need to be understanding. It's the dreaded "morning wood". Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous desire to pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter how hard you try, you can't get that thing to bend, and if it won't bend you can't aim, well hell, if you can't aim you have no choice but to piss all over the wall paper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you women insist on putting on the toilet. And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers, the friggin' toilet seat won't stay up by itself. So that means we have to use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to control our less than perfect aim.

Now sometimes, when you're newly married, (and I know the guys in here will back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet seat with that damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy thing until the seat stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning that damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack off your weenie. So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it's just not safe. I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife. I told her... look, it won't bend. She said, "so sit down like I told you to do all the rest of the time." OK. I tried sitting down on the toilet with "morning wood". Well it's is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and before I could manage it, I had pissed all over the bath towels hanging on the wall across the room. Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get it forced down under the toilet seat, when you start to pee, the pee shoots out from the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the top of the bowl. You piss all over the back of your knees and it runs down the back of our legs on to that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug you keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet. I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning urinary dilemma is to assume the flying Superman position lying over the toilet seat. This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split time precision but it's the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl during the first morning pee. So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to blame. We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom cleanliness, but there are times when things just get beyond our control. It's not our fault, it's just Mother Nature. Now, if it was Father Nature, there wouldn't have been a problem!

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DO NOT FEEL STUPID

If you've ever felt computer illiterate and just a little embarrassed about your technical skills, check out the following, excerpted from the Wall Street Journal:

* Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the Any Key is.

* AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

* Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.

* Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

* A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid." The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

* A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer." The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer."

* An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the mouse.

* Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

* Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and I had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk, I couldn't even fit it in...." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first.

* In a similar incident, a customer had followed the instructions for installing software. The instructions said to remove the disk from its cover and insert into the drive. The user had physically removed the casing of the disk and wondered why there were problems.

* A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was running it under "Windows." The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working fine."

* Tech Support: "O.K. Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: "I don't have a 'P'"
Tech: "On your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "What do you mean?"
Tech: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"

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Two nuns are riding their bikes down the back streets of Rome.
One leans over to the other and says, "You know, I've never come this way before."
The other nun whispers, "It's the cobblestones."

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THE PRE-BOOTY CALL AGREEMENT

This pre-booty call agreement (hereinafter referred to as the Agreement") is entered into on the _____ day of __________, 2001, by
_______________________, between ____________ and ______________. THIS AGREEMENT SHALL COVER THE FOLLOWING RULES AND PRINCIPLES:

1. No sleeping over - unless it is very good and we need to repeat it in the morning.
2. No meeting in public except for dinner or drinks before the events of the evening.
3. No calls before 9 PM - we don`t have *bleep* to talk about.
4. None of that "lovemaking" crap - only mind-blowing sex allowed.
5. No emotional discussions (i.e. Do you love me? Where are we heading with this?) The answer is no and nowhere, so don`t ask.
6. No plans made in advance - that is why you are called the "backup," unless you are from out-of-town, then it`s only a one-time advanced arrangement.
7. All gifts accepted - money is always good.
8. No baby talk - however, dirty talk is encouraged.
9. No asking for comparisons with former lovers - it`s really none of your damn business.
10. No calling each other "friends with privileges" - we are not friends, just sex buddies.
11. Calling out the wrong name during sex is OK - don`t be offended
12. No extra clothing - I don`t want your *bleep* leaving anything behind when you leave.
13. No falling asleep right after sex-it`s over, so get your *bleep* up and go home.
14. Don`t be offended if I don`t ask if you enjoyed it - I don`t care.
15. You cannot borrow my car for any reason.
16. If anyone asks who you are, the standard response will be: "My roommate`s girlfriend/boyfriend."
17. Doggie style preferred - just hit it hard and right or get the hell out!
18. Reason for doggie style: the less eye contact the better.
19. We hook up absolutely whenever the mood strikes ME - so don`t keep calling.
20. The most important one - no condoms, no *bleep*ing. Carry your *bleep* home.
21. Bring your own drink - I am not your liquor store.
22. No phone use, please - don`t want anyone calling back looking for your *bleep*.

*EXTRA TIP FOR SUCCESSFUL BOOTY CALLS: The above rules may only be altered by the holder of the agreement. If the other party attempts to change or alter any terms of this Agreement, it will automatically become null and void and you will then be removed from the BOOTY CALL LIST and deleted from phone memory and email list. In other words, you will be BLOCKED from all communications until your silly *bleep* understands the rules.

Participating Party Signature________________________________ Date: ________________
Participating Party Signature________________________________ Date: ________________

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TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING DUTCH

1. You can get arrested for growing plants, but not for smoking them.
2. You can make jokes about the Belgians and still drink their beer.
3. You can legally kill yourself. You can legally be killed.
4. You're exactly like the Germans, except that nobody hates you.
5. You think you are a world power, but everyone else thinks Copenhagen is your capital.....
6. You get to insult people and defend yourself by saying it's a national tradition.
7. You can put your finger in a dyke and it will save your country.
8. You live in the most densely populated country in Europe, and still you've never seen your neighbours.
9. If the economy is bad, blame the Germans. If a war is started, blame the Germans. If you lose your keys, blame the Germans.
10. Bikes are public property.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING BELGIAN

1. You get to speak three languages, but none of them intelligibly.
2. If other countries want to fight a war, they will do it in your country.
3. You can brew drinks out of fruit, and still call it beer.
4. You are either like the Dutch, just less efficient or like the French, just less romantic or like the Germans.
5. Decent fries. Real mayonnaise. Great chocolate. The best beer.
6. No one knows anything about you, except for the Dutch and French and they make fun of you.
7. More scandals in a week than any other country in a decade.
8. You can drive like a maniac on the road and nobody cares.
9. All your famous countrymen are either imaginary, or sex-offenders.
10. Face it. It's not really a country, is it?

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING FRENCH

1. When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay.
2. Experience the joy of winning the World Cup for the first time.
3. You get to eat insect food like snails and frog's legs.
4. If there's a war you can surrender really early.
5. You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films on Channel 4.
6. You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's countries.
7. You can be ugly and still become a famous film star.
8. Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street humiliating your sense of national pride.
9. You don't have to bother with toilets, just shit in the street.
10. People think you're a great lover even when you're not.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AMERICAN

1. You can have a woman president without electing her.
2. You can spell color wrong and get away with it.
3. You can call Budweiser beer.
4. You can be a crook and still be president.
5. If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything.
6. If you can breathe you can get a gun.
7. It's cool to be really obese.
8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care.
9. Pitch up at the 11th hour for major World conflicts.
10. You get to play/watch glorified rounders called baseball.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING NORWEGIAN

1. You get to pay the highest taxes in the world.
2. You can kill baby seals and eat Rudolf the Reindeer.
3. You live in total freezing darkness half the year and get 24 hour ozone-hole radiation the other half.
4. You can get capital punishment for smoking dope.
5. You can go skiing in your knickers.
6. You get to hate the Swedes and beat the Brazilians in football.
7. You have to be a woman to get anywhere.
8. You don't need to worry about land prices rocketing - its fairly spacious.
9. When abroad you can impress people you meet with stories about killing polar bears and shagging penguins and they believe you.
10. You can actually get bored with blondes.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ENGLISH

1. Two World Wars and One World Cup.
2. Warm beer.
3. You get to play/watch glorified rounders called cricket.
4. You get to accept defeat very graciously in major sporting events.
5. Union jack underpants.
6. Water shortages guaranteed every single summer & flooding in winter.
7. You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power.
8. Bathing once a week - whether you need to or not.
9. Ditto changing underwear.
10. Beats being Welsh.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SCOTTISH

1. You ain't English!
2. You ain't English!
3. You ain't English!
4. You ain't English!
5. You ain't English!
6. You ain't English!
7. You ain't English!
8. You ain't English!
9. You ain't English!
10. You ain't English!

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ITALIAN

1. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes.
2. Unembarrassed to wear fur.
3. No need to worry about tax returns.
4. Glorious military history prior to 400BC.
5. Can wear sunglasses inside.
6. Political stability.
7. Flexible working hours.
8. Live near the Pope.
9. Can spend hours braiding girlfriend's armpit hair.
10. Country run by Sicilian murderers.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SPANISH

1. Glorious history of killing South American tribes.
2. The rest of Europe thinks Africa begins at the Pyrenees.
3. You get your beaches invaded by Germans, Danes, Brits, etc.
4. The rest of your country is already invaded by Moroccans.
5. Everybody else makes crap paella and claims it's the real thing.
6. Honesty.
7. Only sure way of bedding a woman is to dress up in stupid, tight clothes and risk your life in front of bulls.
8. You get to eat bull's testicles.
9. Gibraltar.
10. Supported Argentina in Falklands War.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING GERMAN

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.

Ok, give them a second chance
1. Oktoberfest.
2. Okotberfest-beer.
3. BMW.
4. VW.
5. Audi.
6. Mercedes.
7. On a highway you can travel at a speed that would bring you to jail in any other country of the world.
8. You do not have to learn German as a foreign language.
9. You think Sauerkraut is delicious.
10. Contrary to common belief laughing is not forbidden by law (yet).

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING WELSH

1. You've got to be having a laugh, haven't you?

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING IRISH

1. Guinness.
2. 18 children because you can't use contraceptives.
3. You can get into a fight just by marching down someone's road.
4. Pubs never close.
5. Can use Papal edicts on contraception passed in second Vatican Council of 1968 to persuade your girlfriend that you can't have sex with a condom on.
6. No one can ever remember the night before.
7. Kill people you don't agree with.
8. Stew.
9. More Guinness.
10. Eating stew and drinking Guinness in an Irish pub at 3 in the morning after a bout of sectarian violence.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING CANADIAN

1. It beats being an American.
2. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
3. You can play ice hockey 12 months a year, outdoors.
4. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
5. Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?
6. A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity ratings will rise.
7. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
8. Kill Grizzly bears with huge shotguns and cover your house in their skins.
9. Own-an-Eskimo scheme
10. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AUSTRALIAN

1. Know your great-grand-dad was a murdering bar steward that no civilized nation on earth wanted.
2. Fosters Lager.
3. Dispossess Aborigines who have lived in your country for 40,000 years because you think it belongs to you.
4. Cricket captain not afraid to cry live on TV.
5. Tact and sensitivity.
6. Bondi Beach.
7. Other beaches.
8. Liberated attitude to homosexuals.
9. Drinking cold lager on the beach.
10. Having a bit of a swim and then drink some cold lager on the beach.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING GREEK

1. You get to shout about your culture although the only real culture most Greeks have is what is growing between their toes.
2. The police are even more corrupt than the criminals they are supposed to be chasing.
3. You can blow your nose in the street by pinching it between the thumb and forefinger and trumpeting forth without everyone around wretching their stomach contents up at the sight.
4. Old women can sport moustaches.
5. Young women can sport moustaches.
6. Men can be hairier than the average grizzly bear and not get put in a zoo.
7. You get to call the bouzouki a musical instrument when the rest of the world sees it as an instrument of torture.
8. You are the only nation to have lost its marbles and still wants to let everyone else around the world know about it.
9. Ridiculous bureaucracy.
10. Nana Mouskouri and Demis Roussos.

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Trucker's wife (Heidi) nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he
got any relief was when he was out trucking with his old truck. He tried to truck a lot. One day, when he was out trucking, his wife brought him lunch at the loading dock. He drove the old truck into the shade, sat down on tail gate, and began to eat his lunch.
Immediately, Heidi began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old truck lurched and ran over her; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach Trucker, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask Trucker about it.
So after the funeral, the minister spoke to Trucker, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
Trucker said, "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."
"And what about the men?" the minister asked "They wanted to know if the truck was for sale."

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John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.
"Give me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
With his last breath John said, "I do!"

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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation,
"I now pronounce you man and wife."

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A woman walks to the check out counter in the grocery store. She sets on the conveyor belt: a head of lettuce, a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs and a gallon of milk. The man at the register says, "Ma'am, I don't mean to bother you, but you're single right?" She says, "Yes, but how did you know?" The man replies, " 'Cause you are really ugly."

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Courts

These are excerpts from a book called Disorder in the Court" and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters.
_______________________________________
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
_______________________________________
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
_______________________________________
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
_______________________________________
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
_______________________________________
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
_______________________________________
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
_________________________________________
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
_________________________________________
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
_________________________________________
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
_________________________________________
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
________________________________________
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
________________________________________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
________________________________________
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
____________________________________________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
___________________________________________
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
___________________________________________
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
___________________________________________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
__________________________________________
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
__________________________________________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a  pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

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Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He traveled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex." After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear had his way with Frank.

Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices: either I maul you to death or we have rough sex." Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than to be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Frank.

Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered. Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

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Never Upset A Rational Woman

A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vise. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw.
The husband terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off are you?"
The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, said, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."

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The following was extracted from "Housekeeping Monthly" May, 1955.

The Good Wife's Guide

01. Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready, on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerced about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favorite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.
02. Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.
03. Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a life and one of your duties is to provide it.
04. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives.
05. Gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper, etc. and then run a dustcloth over the tables.
06. Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift, too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.
07. Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair and, if necessary, change their clothes. they are little treasures, and he would like to see them playing the part. Minimise all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet.
08. Be happy to see him.
09. Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.
10. Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first - remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.
11. Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax.
12. Your goal: Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and tranquility where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.
13. Don't greet him with complaints and problems.
14. Don't complain if he's late home for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day.
15. Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.
16. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.
17. Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.
18. A good wife always knows her place.

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A man appears before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks.
"Well, I can think of one thing.." the man offers. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker. I smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground, and told him,"Leave her alone now or you'll answer to me".
St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"
"Just a couple of minutes ago".

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Dear Abby:

I am a crack dealer in New Jersey who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in a suburb of Philadelphia and one of my sisters, who lives in Bensenville, is married to a transvestite.

My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Jersey City.

I have two brothers. One is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Attica for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. The other brother is currently being held in the Wellington Remand Center on charges of sexual misconduct with his three kids.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in the Bronx and is still a part time "working girl" in a brothel.

Her time there is limited as we hope to open our own brothel with her as the working manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would get them off the street, and hopefully, their heroin habits.

All things considered, my main problem is this. I love my fiancée and look forward to bringing her into the family and I certainly want to be totally honest with her.

Should I tell her about my distant cousin who is French?

Signed,

Worried About My Reputation

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Facts about the 1500s

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

* * * * * *
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children-last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."

* * * * * *
Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the dogs, cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."

* * * * * *
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

* * * * * *
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying "dirt poor."

* * * * * *
The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they kept adding more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying a "thresh hold."

* * * * * *
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."

* * * * * *
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man "could bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat."

* * * * * *
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning and death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

* * * * * *
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "upper crust."

* * * * * *
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a "wake."

* * * * * *
England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a "bone-house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer."

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A man had 2 tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
"No," he says, "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"
He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1987."
"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else-a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?".
The man shakes his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."

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- Why do Portorican men cry after sex?
- It's because of the mace...

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A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.
Her boss, concerned about his employee's well being, asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?"
The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."
"I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."
The blonde very calmly explains, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."
The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. "If you need anything, just let me know," he says.
A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. He rushes out to her, and asks, "Are you going to be okay? Is there anything I can do to help?"
"No," replies the blonde, "I just got a call from my sister, and she said that HER mom died too!"

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TOP 15 POLICE COMMENTS

The following Police Comments were taken off of actual police car videos around the country.

#15. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
#14. "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
#13. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
#12. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun."
#11. "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
#10. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
#9. "Warning? You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
#8. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not: Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
#7. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey DOO."
#6. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
#5. "No, sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
#4. "Just how big were those two beers?
#3. "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
#2. "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."
#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't."

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Abdul came to the United States from the Middle East, and he was only here a few months when he became very ill.  He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him.
Finally, he went to an Arab doctor who said, "Take dees bocket, go into de odder room, poop in de bocket, pee on de poop, and den put your head down over de bocket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes."
Abdul took the bucket, went into the other room, pooped in the bucket, peed on the poop, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.  Coming back to the doctor he said, "It worked. I feel terrific!  What was wrong with me?"
The doctor replied, "You were homesick."

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KENTUCKY SECURITY SYSTEM:
 
Go to a second-hand store; buy a pair of men's used work boots -- a really big pair.  Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of "Guns and Ammo" magazine.
Put a dog dish beside the boots -- a really big dog dish.
Leave a note on your front door that says something like, "Bubba, Big Mike and I have gone to get more ammunition. We'll be back directly.
"P.S. Don't disturb the pit bulls; they've just been wormed."

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A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me - my pretty face or my sexy body?"

He looked her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor..."

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Alert Levels in Europe and America

As many are aware, the French government recently announced a raise in its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The normal level is "General Arrogance", and the only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate."
The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French that are on a heightened level of alert.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate military posturing". Two more levels remain, "Ineffective combat operations" and "Change sides".

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdain" to "Dress in uniform and sing marching songs".
They have two higher levels: "Invade a neighbour" and "Lose".

Seeing this reaction in continental Europe, the Americans have gone from "Isolationism" to "Find another oil-rich nation for regime change." Their remaining higher alert states are "Attack random countries (ideally those without any credible military)" and "Beg the British for help".

The British are also feeling the pinch in relation to recent bombings and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross".

Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the Blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ranout. Terrorists have been re categorized from "Tiresome" to "Bloody Nuisance".
The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the Great Fire of 1666

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A Rabbi dies. After some time has passed, his congregation decides that his wife Sarah should marry again. Since it is a small village, the only available candidate is Moishe, the butcher. Although very reluctant, because she was used to living with a scholar, Sarah accepts and they are soon married.

On her first Friday afternoon as a new wife, just after she had taken a bath, Moishe tells Sarah, "My mother always said that before the start of Shabbos, it is a mitzvah to make love before going to the synagogue." They do it.

When they come back from shul, Moishe tells Sarah, "According to my father, it is a mitzvah to make love as soon as you come back from shul." They do it again. Later that night, when it was time to go to sleep, Moishe tells Sarah, "My grandfather told me that one should always make love late on Shabbos night.". So they do. Finally, they go to sleep.

As soon as they awake the next morning, Moishe tells Sarah, "My aunt says that a religious Jew always starts the Shabbos day by making love. So lets do it." And once again they do.

Next day, Sunday, Sarah goes out to the market and meets a friend who asks her, "Nu, Sarah, so how is the new husband?"
"Well, an intellectual he isn't, but Moishe comes from a wonderful family!"

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QUOTES

Even if you are Catholic, if you live in New York, you're Jewish. If you live in Butte, Montana, you are going to be a goy even if you are Jewish.
- Lenny Bruce

My father never lived to see his dream come true of an all-Yiddish-speaking Canada.
- David Steinberg

I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up. They have no holidays.
- Henny Youngman

- Look at Jewish history. Unrelieved lamenting would be intolerable. So, for every ten Jews beating their breasts, God designated one to be crazy and amuse the breast beaters. By the time I was five I knew I was that one.
- Mel Brooks

The time is at hand when the wearing of a prayer shawl and skullcap will not bar a man from the White House, unless, of course, the man is Jewish.
- Jules Farber

The remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.
- Calvin Trillin

Let me tell you the one thing I have against Moses. He took us forty years into the desert in order to bring us to the one place in the Middle East that has no oil!
- Golda Meir

My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me.
- Benjamin Disraeli

It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then, don't say it.
- Sam Levenson

Bankruptcy is a legal proceeding in which you put your money in your pants pocket and give your coat to your creditors.
- Sam Goldwyn

Everybody likes a kidder but nobody loans him money.
- Arthur Miller

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something.
- Jackie Mason

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
- Woody Allen

Marriage is a wonderful institution. But who wants to live in an institution
- Groucho Marx

Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
- Groucho Marx

Too bad that all the people who know how to run this country are busy driving taxis and cutting hair.
- George Burns

Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they've stolen.
- Mort Sahl

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
- Milton Berle

I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their jobs.
- Sam Goldwyn

When I bore people at a party, they think it is their fault.
- Henry Kissinger

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather...who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like the rest of the passengers in his car.
- Unknown

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
- Rodney Dangerfield

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
- Lynn Lavner

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
- Tiger Woods

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
- Robin Williams

"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy."
- Steve Martin

"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life."
- Emo Phillips

"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
- Oscar Wilde

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A Chassid is standing near a hotel bar about an hour before shabbos all dressed up in his special shabbos attire. A magnificent looking blonde air hostess, with legs that go on forever, and breasts that are just waiting to envelop you, has just finished checking in. On her way to the elevator, she sees the Chassid and stops dead in her tracks and sashays over to him.
"Hi" she whispers.
"Hello" he responds.
"I have a confession to make to you," she says.
He nods.
"I have a strong sexual fantasy."
He nods again, listening.
"I want to be with a Hassidic man. I want to run my hands up and down his white silk socks, run my hands over his tzitzis, play with his gartel, run my fingers through his beautiful beard, and play with his payess. In fact, I want you right now! I have a room upstairs, will you join me for half an hour?"
The Chassid looks at her thoughtfully and says: "Nu, and what's in it fo me?"

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BOB HOPE QUOTES

ON TURNING 70: "You still chase women, but only downhill".

ON TURNING 80: "That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing."

ON TURNING 90: "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."

ON TURNING 100: "I don't feel old. In fact I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap."

ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING: "I ruined my hands in the ring... the referee kept stepping on them."

ON GOLF: "Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees."

ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER: "When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, 'Congratulations.You have an eight-pound ham'."

ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL: "I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it."

ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY: "Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother."

ON HIS SIX BROTHERS: "That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom."

ON HIS EARLY FAILURES: "I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me."

ON GOING TO HEAVEN: "I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality."

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An elderly couple had been dating for some time and decided it was finally time to marry.

Before the wedding they embarked on a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally the old man decided it was time to broach the subject of their sexual relationship...

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather hopefully.

"Well, I'd have to say I like it infrequently," she responded.

The old guy paused... and then asked, "Was that one word or two?"

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